A lifelong battle.

So I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I kept telling myself that I was better and that my demons were gone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life has changed significantly since I last wrote. I’m now in a relationship with the most wonderful man, He has a son so he understands that being a parent will always come first. It’s still only the early stages but I can already feel myself slipping.

We got into a bit of an argument last night, nothing major but we handle arguments very differently. He likes to go off on his own whereas I like to talk and get it over with. It was playing on my mind all night and I’ve woke up this morning feeling exactly like I did a year ago. Anyone that follows me will know that my last relationship was very abusive but in the early days it was just me being made to feel guilty, plans being cancelled and constantly feeling not good enough. The abuse that I went through has completely changed me as a person and I don’t think I will ever get over that now. I was always such a confident person and I never got jealous or anxious. I was the life and soul of the party. These days even the word ‘party’ makes me feel a little sick. I’m struggling with how to work this relationship because I don’t even really know how to work myself. My abusive relationship ended in the beginning of August last year, so this is all still pretty fresh. I thought I was over it because I was happy for a few weeks but realistically I’m not. I still don’t want to leave the house, I still constantly worry how I look and what my weight is like. Drunk people make me want to run away and every time someone suddenly moves I flinch and my heart sinks.

I feel guilty putting all of these problems and issues onto my new relationship, its not fair for him to be constantly dealing with my breakdowns and acting a little psycho. We have only just met, he never knew me before or during the abuse. I don’t think he really understands how much its affected my mental state, and that’s fine because you can’t understand these things unless you have been through them. I think sometimes though he thinks I’m just being snappy or grumpy when in reality its probably something that got said in passing hours ago that’s still eating away at me. I don’t want to leave him, not at all. He makes me so happy and to be honest he’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I’m just worried that I’m being selfish and he’s going to leave me. I have no idea how I would even begin to cope with that.

I’m under a lot of stress at the moment, I have assignments and deadlines that I’m drowning in, A teething one year old who is also going through sleep regression, bills stacking up, new relationship stresses and then all the other drama I throw at myself every day, it’s starting to become a bit much. Years ago I could deal with this so easy, I took everything in my stride. Nothing bothered me, I could do anything but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

This leads me onto my point. I have been through something awful, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Its something that is part of me now, something that has scared me.I will never be the person that I once was and I now need to focus on being the person that I am now. Not the person I was or during that awful relationship. It’s okay to be different and it’s okay to struggle. I need to have more confidence in myself and tell myself I can do it. Just believing in yourself can do wonders. I heard a quote the other day that I really liked and it fits nicely with this.

“Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will fall amongst the stars.”

A letter to my Ex.

I never ever thought that we would turn into this. I always pictured our happy lives, our loving family and our perfect little home. Not even in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I loved you from the moment I met you, I was obsessed with you and everything about you. I gave you my heart, my home and even my daughter for you to throw it away.

I always thought getting abused didn’t happen to people like me, it would be weak people or people who weren’t as privileged as I was. How wrong was I? How could I have been so naive?  I was convinced you were my prince charming and we would have our fairy tale ending. I kept telling myself that you would stop and that you didn’t mean it. I was sure you would see what you were doing and realise how much you were hurting me, but you didn’t. I believed you when you said you were sorry and you loved me. But how can you do that to someone you love?

I feel like my life has been ruined. Every memory I have of my daughters first year has been ruined by you. I don’t think I will ever be the same again, I don’t think I will ever be able to get over what you did. How am I supposed to move on and find someone else? I thought I could trust you but obviously my judgement was wrong with that one.

I’m a shell of the person I used to be, I still can’t leave the house on my own. I’m still depressed and It’s making me a bad Mum.

I really hope you’re ashamed of what you have done and I hope you never forgive yourself because I know I never will.

Moving on.

I’m having a bad day today and writing about my feelings always seems to help, so here it goes!

I’ve written about my last relationship a few times, sometimes I just briefly complain and other times I’ve gone into detail about the abuse and the real dark times that I’ve been through. Today I was talking to a mutual friend that we have and she told me that he’s moved on, he’s found someone and he’s happy. I’m not upset that he’s with someone I’m upset that he’s happy. He put my through hell for the last year of our relationship and It’s taking me a long time to get over it. I feel like I’m scared and its never going heal. I want to cry and rip my skin off every time I think of the things he done to me. Despite all of that, he’s happy. How is that fair?

He is a monster and he’s never been punished for it while I’m punishing myself every day. I feel like I can’t move on and I don’t trust relationships with anyone anymore, but he gets to be happy.

why…?

Single mum.

So recently I decided to try the world of dating websites. I’m not overly impressed to be completely honest but I’ve had a few interests, one in particular though got me thinking and has made me a bit sad.

After exchanging a few messages he said ‘didn’t realise you had a kid sorry’. What is that all about?! why is having a child seen as a bad thing all of a sudden? I’ll be the first to admit I changed massively when I found out I was pregnant, but in a good way.

Having a baby doesn’t mean I’m ‘damaged goods’, it also doesn’t mean I’ve got a complicated life. It means that I’m responsible and I’m not selfish. Yes I can’t go on wild nights out every week but it means I have life goals, I’ve got something there to succeed for. I’m a good person that just got unlucky in love.

It means i dated someone that wasn’t very nice but I got my amazing daughter out of it, She makes me smile everyday and she would do the same for others. I’m not asking someone to come into her life and become a dad overnight. I’m just asking for someone to see me for the person I am, and that’s a Mum and a dam good one at that.

Unhappy birthday.

So I’ve been pretty quiet over the past few days as it was my birthday yesterday, I had a lovely quiet day just me and my little girl at home with cake. I of course received loads of birthday posts on Facebook, I got cards and presents and overall had a really great day.

However, I’ve woke up this morning in a bit of a strange mood. I’m now fixated on the people that couldn’t take thirty seconds out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. I’m really annoyed at them to be honest. These are people I care about that I assumed still cared about me. People that I’ve known for years….

I’ll give you an example, I’ve known this girl, we’ll call her Amy, for years. She’s had two kids in that time and I’ve always made the effort to stick to plans and go to her kids christenings and buy them gifts stuff like that. She was ‘friends’ with my EX and when we spilt up she took it upon herself to voice her unwanted opinion. Amy is a bit of a loud mouth and has an opinion about everything. I think she’s rude. I don’t really like her that much but we’ve always got on just fine. This year she didn’t wish me a happy birthday because she thinks I’m in the wrong over my breakup. She doesn’t have a clue, she has no idea at all what went on behind closed doors and now she’s sat at home judging me about a situation that she doesn’t understand. There was loads more people like this that didn’t say anything to me yesterday because of things that have happened in the past that they can’t seem to let go of.

I love to hold a grudge but only on things that have affected me directly and I know that’s a little immature but it’s just my personality. What I don’t understand is people that hold grudges about things that have nothing at all to do with them! I just want to scream at Amy and say ‘YOU HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE WHAT HE PUT ME THROUGH’. I constantly feel like I have to explain myself to people like this and their small mindedness ends up getting me down!

I’m really annoyed at myself for being so annoyed at them!

Is there any other feeling besides fed up?

I’m feeling very deflated today. It’s been one of them stressy days where the baby has just winged and moaned, the house is really messy and I went out with my family for my birthday meal. Don’t get me wrong I understand that obviously the baby comes first and I can’t be centre of attention anymore and I’m okay with that! The only thing I want is my birthday to be about me. Half of my family didn’t come and the ones that were there didn’t even really speak to me because I was stuck in the corner with the baby because there wasn’t enough room for the highchair. I am not at all blaming the baby, I’m mad at them, they could of moved further down the table but didn’t. After the meal everyone said we would go to the pub for a few drinks, I took the baby back to my mams, got her pyjamas on, got her to sleep in the travel cot and left her with my sister.

I never get invited anywhere since I’ve had the baby so I was quite excited when my cousins asked me to join them on a proper night out in town. My Mum however wouldn’t have the baby over night so I couldn’t. My mum doesn’t drink at all so It wasn’t like she had already had to much, the baby was already asleep at her house so she wouldn’t of had to do anything until the morning. The baby never ever wakes up in the night and I would of been round first thing, I never ask her to look after her overnight, my Mum even finished work early today. I feel like it was a bit unfair that she wouldn’t look after her for me. Might sound childish but I don’t care!

After one drink I had to call it a night obviously, I went back to my mums and had to get the baby out of her travel cot, into her coat, in her pram and walk her home at nine oclock, 2 hours after her bedtime, she of course woke up and had a screaming fit. I’m now at home and she’s gone back to sleep and I’m alone again. This is the first birthday I’ve had since I was about 12 where I was single and I’m not coping well. I just want someone to complain to, someone to curl up on the sofa with to watch a movie and forget why I’m annoyed. I just don’t wanna be alone.

 

Old lovers.

I have been really nostalgic the last few days, I think it’s because I’ve spent quite a bit of time with some of my old friends. It’s making me feel good getting out of the house and obviously these guys mean the world to me but it’s really strange seeing them and my baby’s dad not to be there.

we were all in the same friendship group and we spent all our free time together, we all seemed to spilt off and had kids and got new jobs but we have all come back together recently. It’s making me miss him a lot. He really did mean a lot to me and When we’re all talking about old times and he’s getting mentioned it makes my whole body hurt. It’s like an actual physical pain.

Will this ever go away? Our daughter is 10 months old now and I haven’t spoke to him since I was about 12 weeks pregnant but he still means everything to me. I just so desperately want to move on and forget about him so this pain will go away. I know he’s never coming back yet I still have such strong feelings for him and I don’t want them anymore!!