A lifelong battle.

So I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I kept telling myself that I was better and that my demons were gone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life has changed significantly since I last wrote. I’m now in a relationship with the most wonderful man, He has a son so he understands that being a parent will always come first. It’s still only the early stages but I can already feel myself slipping.

We got into a bit of an argument last night, nothing major but we handle arguments very differently. He likes to go off on his own whereas I like to talk and get it over with. It was playing on my mind all night and I’ve woke up this morning feeling exactly like I did a year ago. Anyone that follows me will know that my last relationship was very abusive but in the early days it was just me being made to feel guilty, plans being cancelled and constantly feeling not good enough. The abuse that I went through has completely changed me as a person and I don’t think I will ever get over that now. I was always such a confident person and I never got jealous or anxious. I was the life and soul of the party. These days even the word ‘party’ makes me feel a little sick. I’m struggling with how to work this relationship because I don’t even really know how to work myself. My abusive relationship ended in the beginning of August last year, so this is all still pretty fresh. I thought I was over it because I was happy for a few weeks but realistically I’m not. I still don’t want to leave the house, I still constantly worry how I look and what my weight is like. Drunk people make me want to run away and every time someone suddenly moves I flinch and my heart sinks.

I feel guilty putting all of these problems and issues onto my new relationship, its not fair for him to be constantly dealing with my breakdowns and acting a little psycho. We have only just met, he never knew me before or during the abuse. I don’t think he really understands how much its affected my mental state, and that’s fine because you can’t understand these things unless you have been through them. I think sometimes though he thinks I’m just being snappy or grumpy when in reality its probably something that got said in passing hours ago that’s still eating away at me. I don’t want to leave him, not at all. He makes me so happy and to be honest he’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I’m just worried that I’m being selfish and he’s going to leave me. I have no idea how I would even begin to cope with that.

I’m under a lot of stress at the moment, I have assignments and deadlines that I’m drowning in, A teething one year old who is also going through sleep regression, bills stacking up, new relationship stresses and then all the other drama I throw at myself every day, it’s starting to become a bit much. Years ago I could deal with this so easy, I took everything in my stride. Nothing bothered me, I could do anything but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

This leads me onto my point. I have been through something awful, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Its something that is part of me now, something that has scared me.I will never be the person that I once was and I now need to focus on being the person that I am now. Not the person I was or during that awful relationship. It’s okay to be different and it’s okay to struggle. I need to have more confidence in myself and tell myself I can do it. Just believing in yourself can do wonders. I heard a quote the other day that I really liked and it fits nicely with this.

“Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will fall amongst the stars.”

Single mum.

So recently I decided to try the world of dating websites. I’m not overly impressed to be completely honest but I’ve had a few interests, one in particular though got me thinking and has made me a bit sad.

After exchanging a few messages he said ‘didn’t realise you had a kid sorry’. What is that all about?! why is having a child seen as a bad thing all of a sudden? I’ll be the first to admit I changed massively when I found out I was pregnant, but in a good way.

Having a baby doesn’t mean I’m ‘damaged goods’, it also doesn’t mean I’ve got a complicated life. It means that I’m responsible and I’m not selfish. Yes I can’t go on wild nights out every week but it means I have life goals, I’ve got something there to succeed for. I’m a good person that just got unlucky in love.

It means i dated someone that wasn’t very nice but I got my amazing daughter out of it, She makes me smile everyday and she would do the same for others. I’m not asking someone to come into her life and become a dad overnight. I’m just asking for someone to see me for the person I am, and that’s a Mum and a dam good one at that.

Is there any other feeling besides fed up?

I’m feeling very deflated today. It’s been one of them stressy days where the baby has just winged and moaned, the house is really messy and I went out with my family for my birthday meal. Don’t get me wrong I understand that obviously the baby comes first and I can’t be centre of attention anymore and I’m okay with that! The only thing I want is my birthday to be about me. Half of my family didn’t come and the ones that were there didn’t even really speak to me because I was stuck in the corner with the baby because there wasn’t enough room for the highchair. I am not at all blaming the baby, I’m mad at them, they could of moved further down the table but didn’t. After the meal everyone said we would go to the pub for a few drinks, I took the baby back to my mams, got her pyjamas on, got her to sleep in the travel cot and left her with my sister.

I never get invited anywhere since I’ve had the baby so I was quite excited when my cousins asked me to join them on a proper night out in town. My Mum however wouldn’t have the baby over night so I couldn’t. My mum doesn’t drink at all so It wasn’t like she had already had to much, the baby was already asleep at her house so she wouldn’t of had to do anything until the morning. The baby never ever wakes up in the night and I would of been round first thing, I never ask her to look after her overnight, my Mum even finished work early today. I feel like it was a bit unfair that she wouldn’t look after her for me. Might sound childish but I don’t care!

After one drink I had to call it a night obviously, I went back to my mums and had to get the baby out of her travel cot, into her coat, in her pram and walk her home at nine oclock, 2 hours after her bedtime, she of course woke up and had a screaming fit. I’m now at home and she’s gone back to sleep and I’m alone again. This is the first birthday I’ve had since I was about 12 where I was single and I’m not coping well. I just want someone to complain to, someone to curl up on the sofa with to watch a movie and forget why I’m annoyed. I just don’t wanna be alone.

 

Old lovers.

I have been really nostalgic the last few days, I think it’s because I’ve spent quite a bit of time with some of my old friends. It’s making me feel good getting out of the house and obviously these guys mean the world to me but it’s really strange seeing them and my baby’s dad not to be there.

we were all in the same friendship group and we spent all our free time together, we all seemed to spilt off and had kids and got new jobs but we have all come back together recently. It’s making me miss him a lot. He really did mean a lot to me and When we’re all talking about old times and he’s getting mentioned it makes my whole body hurt. It’s like an actual physical pain.

Will this ever go away? Our daughter is 10 months old now and I haven’t spoke to him since I was about 12 weeks pregnant but he still means everything to me. I just so desperately want to move on and forget about him so this pain will go away. I know he’s never coming back yet I still have such strong feelings for him and I don’t want them anymore!!

A good old rant.

So I’m at a business school and do night classes as I don’t want to miss important time with the baby, My class starts at 6 so I only miss an hour with her before she goes to bed. While I’m there my Mum looks after her and puts her to bed.  Obviously I’m really grateful that she does this as I know many people don’t have that support. I came home tonight to see that she’s been snooping through my laptop and read a blog post that I was in the middle of writing about my Baby’s dad.

I’m so angry that she would do this, I’m not an open person and me and my Mum don’t have one of them relationships were we talk about things like that. That’s why I write my blog, to get all of my feelings out instead of bottling them up. She hasn’t said anything about it to me yet but I know she will eventually. Am I allowed to be mad because she is doing me a massive favour every week?

I really don’t feel comfortable talking to her about my life as It always ends up in us arguing! She’s so old fashioned and doesn’t understand the way the world works these days. She met my dad at 17, married him at 18 and had my sister at 19. She’s been married to him for 32 years now, she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t smoke, she just doesn’t understand. She has no idea how it feels to love someone and to loose them, she doesn’t know what it’s like to have a baby with someone and for that person to say he doesn’t want to know. When she tries to talk to me about it I just get so mad because she doesn’t have a clue what it’s like!

I honestly can’t stress how annoyed I am that she would invade my privacy. If she’s going through my laptop what else is she doing? I’m now doubting her, I don’t want her going through my things. There’s obviously things I don’t want my mother to see! I am dreading seeing her tomorrow because we have a lot of things to do and I already can’t be bothered with it all!

The dreaded day.

Before I start with this mornings major rant, I just want to say a massive thank you to my new followers and people who have liked and commented on my previous posts, It means a lot to know that I’m not alone and It makes me feel a little more sane, so Thank you!

 

Today, Sunday 9th October 2016, Is the day my best friend christenings his son. Why would you be dreading this you might ask? Well this will be the first time I’ve seen my Daughters Dad since I was around 12 weeks pregnant. Just to rub a little more salt in the wound, his girlfriend will also be there.

I’m not expecting him to talk to me or even make eye contact but I still don’t know how I’m going to react to seeing him. I feel like once you have a baby with someone your feelings for them automatically change, you can’t help but love them because they gave you this amazing little human.

Am I going to feel that love for him when I see him? Will I get mad? Will it just be lust (her dad is a straight up 10, I have no idea why he was sleeping with me so long)?. When he made it clear he was leaving and it finally sunk in that I would be a single mum I obviously never knew how hard it would be but the last thing I ever thought about was how difficult it would be having to see him again. I think part of me will always love him and always hate him. When people say there’s a fine line, they really mean FINE. I feel a little sick just thinking about it. I think my worry comes from the idea of him being in the same room as his daughter and not even looking at her, I have a feeling this will annoy me. I don’t understand how anyone can leave their children, How can you not want to know them!? It’s not just dads either, I know women who don’t see their children, I gave birth to the devil and I want to scream into a pillow most days but I could never give her up! My friend Adam(the baby that’s getting christened dad) has been great, he’s best friends with us both and he just always seems to know the right thing to say to me so I think he will be looking out for me a little bit today because I literally know one other person going today. I’m definitely having one of those ‘bang your head off a wall’ kinda days and its only 8:15. I’ll let you all know how it goes, Wish me luck!

The beginning.

So…where to start? I’m a mum to a beautiful ten month old baby girl, I’m definitely NOT one of these perfect home-maker mums. I always thought I would be a Mary Poppins type of mum but it turns out I couldn’t be further away from that. I loose my temper a lot, I call her an asshole a lot, my house is a mess constantly but I’m at that stage in my parenting journey where I’m really not afraid to say it. I’m a bit of a shit mum, but that’s okay, we all are at times aren’t we?

My drama started from day one of being pregnant, my daughters biological father said he didn’t want a baby because he had another girlfriend that he didn’t want to leave, we haven’t spoke since I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I then thought it would be a good idea to get into a relationship with my lying, cheating ex boyfriend at around 6 months pregnant. We stayed together for the end of my pregnancy, the birth of my beautiful daughter, her first Christmas, my first mothers day and then 3 weeks before our first family holiday we spilt (he was a raging alcoholic but that’s a story for a different time). So now we live alone and I’ve come to terms with being a single mum. We are in a routine again, I’ve started taking night classes and even started seeing someone. Sounds like a super mum right? WRONG.

I find being a mum really hard, I’m battling with depression every day. Anxiety attacks stop me from leaving the house unless I’m with someone and I’m constantly battling with my own mind and insecurities daily. Despite every single day being a battle, I love my Daughter. She really is amazing. I could just squeeze her little face!

So what I’m trying to tell you is, this blog is going to be me having a rant when I’ve had a bad day. Whinging about being a Mum and trying to date etc…Feel free to come on this ride with us because I’m sure it will make you feel a lot better about being a mum, a girlfriend and overall a person.