Misery really does love company.

I’m lost for words about how I feel. That rarely happens to me…(I say that but I’m pretty sure I’ll find a lot of words to write here)

My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces…again. I don’t understand why. I’m a good person, I try and help people, I’m nice, I do as much for others as I can but still I get shit all over any time something goes my way. These past two years have been so so shit, I’ve been through my best friend dying, an abusive relationship, loosing all of my friends, my baby’s dad leaving me alone and pregnant, thousands of pounds worth of debt, and raising a baby completely alone. I was miserable, but somehow I was still plodding along.

Then Ash came into my life, even before we got together he made me so happy. He reminded me what it was like to actually feel something and even be happy. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in ages. I was swept off my feet and completely in love. Out of the blue today he tells me he doesn’t think we can ‘do this’ anymore. Not even in person may I add… No real explanation, just that. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy. Where am I going wrong? I’m really not sure how much more of this I can take. I don’t want to go back to that miserable person, I can’t do it. I’ve cried all afternoon and I can already feel myself changing back into that ghost I was. I’ve actually begged him to stay with me, how pathetic is that? I think ‘pathetic’ is a new low, even for me. What hurts the most is I feel like now I didn’t mean anything to him, he wouldn’t come and see me to talk and he’s now happy sat on instagram liking photos of models his friends have posted.

Am I ever going to be happy? It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I have no friends, my family rarely bother with me, I’m so alone. Being alone with your thoughts as often as I am can’t be good for anyone…I think half of my problems wouldn’t seem so bad if I actually had someone there, a friend to go for coffee with, get takeaways with, have a rant to when I’ve had a shitty day. It’s true what they say misery really does love company.

I’ll be honest I don’t want this life anymore, I’d happily swap with anyone. I’m completely done, I haven’t left my house since Sunday and in that time I’ve spoke to ash and my Mum, how is that a life for anyone?

If I was a dog I think I’d of been put down by now.

Is there any other feeling besides fed up?

I’m feeling very deflated today. It’s been one of them stressy days where the baby has just winged and moaned, the house is really messy and I went out with my family for my birthday meal. Don’t get me wrong I understand that obviously the baby comes first and I can’t be centre of attention anymore and I’m okay with that! The only thing I want is my birthday to be about me. Half of my family didn’t come and the ones that were there didn’t even really speak to me because I was stuck in the corner with the baby because there wasn’t enough room for the highchair. I am not at all blaming the baby, I’m mad at them, they could of moved further down the table but didn’t. After the meal everyone said we would go to the pub for a few drinks, I took the baby back to my mams, got her pyjamas on, got her to sleep in the travel cot and left her with my sister.

I never get invited anywhere since I’ve had the baby so I was quite excited when my cousins asked me to join them on a proper night out in town. My Mum however wouldn’t have the baby over night so I couldn’t. My mum doesn’t drink at all so It wasn’t like she had already had to much, the baby was already asleep at her house so she wouldn’t of had to do anything until the morning. The baby never ever wakes up in the night and I would of been round first thing, I never ask her to look after her overnight, my Mum even finished work early today. I feel like it was a bit unfair that she wouldn’t look after her for me. Might sound childish but I don’t care!

After one drink I had to call it a night obviously, I went back to my mums and had to get the baby out of her travel cot, into her coat, in her pram and walk her home at nine oclock, 2 hours after her bedtime, she of course woke up and had a screaming fit. I’m now at home and she’s gone back to sleep and I’m alone again. This is the first birthday I’ve had since I was about 12 where I was single and I’m not coping well. I just want someone to complain to, someone to curl up on the sofa with to watch a movie and forget why I’m annoyed. I just don’t wanna be alone.