I’m lost for words about how I feel. That rarely happens to me…(I say that but I’m pretty sure I’ll find a lot of words to write here)
My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces…again. I don’t understand why. I’m a good person, I try and help people, I’m nice, I do as much for others as I can but still I get shit all over any time something goes my way. These past two years have been so so shit, I’ve been through my best friend dying, an abusive relationship, loosing all of my friends, my baby’s dad leaving me alone and pregnant, thousands of pounds worth of debt, and raising a baby completely alone. I was miserable, but somehow I was still plodding along.
Then Ash came into my life, even before we got together he made me so happy. He reminded me what it was like to actually feel something and even be happy. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in ages. I was swept off my feet and completely in love. Out of the blue today he tells me he doesn’t think we can ‘do this’ anymore. Not even in person may I add… No real explanation, just that. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy. Where am I going wrong? I’m really not sure how much more of this I can take. I don’t want to go back to that miserable person, I can’t do it. I’ve cried all afternoon and I can already feel myself changing back into that ghost I was. I’ve actually begged him to stay with me, how pathetic is that? I think ‘pathetic’ is a new low, even for me. What hurts the most is I feel like now I didn’t mean anything to him, he wouldn’t come and see me to talk and he’s now happy sat on instagram liking photos of models his friends have posted.
Am I ever going to be happy? It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I have no friends, my family rarely bother with me, I’m so alone. Being alone with your thoughts as often as I am can’t be good for anyone…I think half of my problems wouldn’t seem so bad if I actually had someone there, a friend to go for coffee with, get takeaways with, have a rant to when I’ve had a shitty day. It’s true what they say misery really does love company.
I’ll be honest I don’t want this life anymore, I’d happily swap with anyone. I’m completely done, I haven’t left my house since Sunday and in that time I’ve spoke to ash and my Mum, how is that a life for anyone?
If I was a dog I think I’d of been put down by now.