Getting back to ‘normal’

This past week has probably been the hardest week of my life. I wont go into many details as I don’t think I’m ready to share yet, but it has been awful.

I’m now at day 6 of my breakup. I feel like I’ve been through a horrific ordeal. Like I’ve been involved in a tragic incident or something. I have eaten 2 meals in 6 days, had about 10 hours sleep and have hardly moved. My heart actually hurts, it’s like a physical pain. I’ve been through my baby’s dad leaving me pregnant, an abusive relationship, and a relationship with an addict so I’ve had my fair share of drama but this was real, this was ‘the one’. He was, well is, the most amazing person I’ve ever met, he’s so caring and loving. He makes me so happy, he gives me butterflies and makes me feel all warm inside. He makes me forget all of my problems and gives me really high hopes for the future. He makes me feel good about myself which is something I’ve never had before. He made my anxiety better, I actually left the house which is a huge step for me. He got on with my daughter, he made us laugh, everything about him was amazing. And now he’s gone.

How do you get over that? How do you go from being so happy that you could float to suddenly being on your own and miserable in the next breath. I don’t really understand why he left, he just kept saying he ‘wasn’t ready’ but that doesn’t feel real, that just seems like a cliché thing to say. I’m hurting so much and I just can’t seem to get over it. Like I said in the beginning a lot of other things have happened this week and I think some of that affected him too, he seemed upset at first. He wasn’t posting anything, he was really quiet,  he seemed very reserved. He went to go see a band with his friends a few nights later and I could tell he wasn’t really in the mood but he seems to be getting back to his normal self and I just can’t. I still can’t function. Every time I think about him I just want to cry. He left some shirts here and I can still smell him on them. Every time I walk into my room I can picture him laying in my bed smiling waiting for me, Every car that pulls up outside I think it’s him, every time my phone goes off I think he’s text. I can’t get him out of my head!

I keep telling myself laying around being this absolute mess isn’t going to help anything but I literally have no energy. I’m not going to get him back wallowing in self pity, I need to get up and remind him I’m still the girl he fell in love with. But its so hard.

I’ve always handled break ups amazingly, always took it in my stride. I never let it bother me because I’m independent and I’ve never needed a man, but this time its so different. We had a five year plan, our lives together were planned and now it’s gone

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I really don’t.

Misery really does love company.

I’m lost for words about how I feel. That rarely happens to me…(I say that but I’m pretty sure I’ll find a lot of words to write here)

My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces…again. I don’t understand why. I’m a good person, I try and help people, I’m nice, I do as much for others as I can but still I get shit all over any time something goes my way. These past two years have been so so shit, I’ve been through my best friend dying, an abusive relationship, loosing all of my friends, my baby’s dad leaving me alone and pregnant, thousands of pounds worth of debt, and raising a baby completely alone. I was miserable, but somehow I was still plodding along.

Then Ash came into my life, even before we got together he made me so happy. He reminded me what it was like to actually feel something and even be happy. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in ages. I was swept off my feet and completely in love. Out of the blue today he tells me he doesn’t think we can ‘do this’ anymore. Not even in person may I add… No real explanation, just that. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy. Where am I going wrong? I’m really not sure how much more of this I can take. I don’t want to go back to that miserable person, I can’t do it. I’ve cried all afternoon and I can already feel myself changing back into that ghost I was. I’ve actually begged him to stay with me, how pathetic is that? I think ‘pathetic’ is a new low, even for me. What hurts the most is I feel like now I didn’t mean anything to him, he wouldn’t come and see me to talk and he’s now happy sat on instagram liking photos of models his friends have posted.

Am I ever going to be happy? It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I have no friends, my family rarely bother with me, I’m so alone. Being alone with your thoughts as often as I am can’t be good for anyone…I think half of my problems wouldn’t seem so bad if I actually had someone there, a friend to go for coffee with, get takeaways with, have a rant to when I’ve had a shitty day. It’s true what they say misery really does love company.

I’ll be honest I don’t want this life anymore, I’d happily swap with anyone. I’m completely done, I haven’t left my house since Sunday and in that time I’ve spoke to ash and my Mum, how is that a life for anyone?

If I was a dog I think I’d of been put down by now.