A letter to my Ex.

I never ever thought that we would turn into this. I always pictured our happy lives, our loving family and our perfect little home. Not even in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I loved you from the moment I met you, I was obsessed with you and everything about you. I gave you my heart, my home and even my daughter for you to throw it away.

I always thought getting abused didn’t happen to people like me, it would be weak people or people who weren’t as privileged as I was. How wrong was I? How could I have been so naive?  I was convinced you were my prince charming and we would have our fairy tale ending. I kept telling myself that you would stop and that you didn’t mean it. I was sure you would see what you were doing and realise how much you were hurting me, but you didn’t. I believed you when you said you were sorry and you loved me. But how can you do that to someone you love?

I feel like my life has been ruined. Every memory I have of my daughters first year has been ruined by you. I don’t think I will ever be the same again, I don’t think I will ever be able to get over what you did. How am I supposed to move on and find someone else? I thought I could trust you but obviously my judgement was wrong with that one.

I’m a shell of the person I used to be, I still can’t leave the house on my own. I’m still depressed and It’s making me a bad Mum.

I really hope you’re ashamed of what you have done and I hope you never forgive yourself because I know I never will.

Moving on.

I’m having a bad day today and writing about my feelings always seems to help, so here it goes!

I’ve written about my last relationship a few times, sometimes I just briefly complain and other times I’ve gone into detail about the abuse and the real dark times that I’ve been through. Today I was talking to a mutual friend that we have and she told me that he’s moved on, he’s found someone and he’s happy. I’m not upset that he’s with someone I’m upset that he’s happy. He put my through hell for the last year of our relationship and It’s taking me a long time to get over it. I feel like I’m scared and its never going heal. I want to cry and rip my skin off every time I think of the things he done to me. Despite all of that, he’s happy. How is that fair?

He is a monster and he’s never been punished for it while I’m punishing myself every day. I feel like I can’t move on and I don’t trust relationships with anyone anymore, but he gets to be happy.


Old lovers.

I have been really nostalgic the last few days, I think it’s because I’ve spent quite a bit of time with some of my old friends. It’s making me feel good getting out of the house and obviously these guys mean the world to me but it’s really strange seeing them and my baby’s dad not to be there.

we were all in the same friendship group and we spent all our free time together, we all seemed to spilt off and had kids and got new jobs but we have all come back together recently. It’s making me miss him a lot. He really did mean a lot to me and When we’re all talking about old times and he’s getting mentioned it makes my whole body hurt. It’s like an actual physical pain.

Will this ever go away? Our daughter is 10 months old now and I haven’t spoke to him since I was about 12 weeks pregnant but he still means everything to me. I just so desperately want to move on and forget about him so this pain will go away. I know he’s never coming back yet I still have such strong feelings for him and I don’t want them anymore!!

Past relationships.

So I’ve just got home from a maths lecture and we’ve all been sat talking about relationships all night. As I’ve sat and thought about all of mine I’ve realised just how bad they’ve been. I’ve always been really open about my relationship with my baby’s dad but the relationship I had after that is one then I’ve never spoke about because It’s such a touchy subject but I feel like I’m ready to talk about it.

I met Andrew in the summer of 2013. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance and after knowing each other two months and being together for one month we decided to move in together. It was the first time I had ever lived away from home so obviously it was a massive step for me. We were really happy at first, obviously we were still in that honeymoon period and just wanted to see each other all the time. My parents were always really strict so I could never have friends over or have a party or anything while I lived at home, so obviously I enjoyed my first bit of freedom as any teenager would and had parties all the time. I loved this at first but It soon became very boring. Andrew was constantly in and out of work so we struggled for money a lot of the time, despite being in debt we would still have people over on the weekend and Andrew would spend every penny we had. He would literally leave us with nothing so I would have to borrow money off my Mum and Dad every week. I hated doing this because I’ve always been an independent person so this started to cause friction. I got a job working as a supply teaching assistant in a nursery and I started bringing in a reasonable amount of money, which of course Andrew would spend. After arguing for about three weeks non stop he got a job working on a oil rig doing repairs when it was in the docks. We now both had good jobs and were earning good money. We still however had nothing every Monday morning. Andrew decided to quit his job and become self employed. He had no idea what he was doing and the business he tried to set up with a friend completely failed. I took a second job working in a nightclub to try and keep us above water. I was now working 8:00am till 3:30pm every week day at the school and I would work 9:00pm till 4am monday, wednesday and sunday and then 9pm till 5am on a friday and saturday. As you can imagine I was exhausted all of the time. I did this non stop without a day off for months. I came home one night after working all day and night to find that Andrew had been out drinking all night, spent all our money and had cheated on me. He arranged to meet a girl he used to work with, bought her drinks all night with my wages and then took her back to my home and slept with her. After this we broke up.

We weren’t together for just short of a year. During this time I had met my babies dad, got pregnant and was around six months pregnant before I seen him again. When I did see him he looked and acted so different. He told me about how his life had changed and he wasn’t partying anymore and he had really settled down. Me being the mug that I am believed him and we got back together. He told me he would raise my baby with me and we would be the loving happy family we were meant to be. He moved in with me and my parents until the baby was about a month old. Every big moment in my pregnancy and after she was born he managed to ruin. He started drinking heavily in the month that she was born but he kept using the excuse ‘its Christmas and we’re celebrating’.After we moved into our own house again the problems started. I really started to resent him and I had no real affection towards him, we were never intimate, we argued all the time and to be completely honest he never really bothered with the baby. He got a job working with one of his friends and he was working 6 days a week. Towards the end of our relationship he would finish work and go to the pub every single night. He would stay there until it closed and then come home drunk. I would wait up for him and we would argue. This was my life for about four months.

There was a couple of times when he came home and he was violent. He once put his phone between his knuckles and punched me in the head. It hurt like hell for about a week. I would ring my dad crying on a night asking him to come round and help me get Andrew to bed. My Dad is an amazing person and I know he would literally do anything for me, I had to be so careful to make sure he didn’t see the violence. I was embarrassed, I didn’t want people to think I was failing and I knew that I wouldn’t leave him so if they knew what was going on it would just make things really awkward.

The violence, the drinking, the arguing I could easily put up with. I obviously never wanted to but I kept telling myself that I would never find anyone else and I didn’t want to be alone. It was once the sexual abuse started that I completely broke down. I never wanted to be intimate with him because I hated him so much, I would say It never felt right after having the baby and it hurt but he didn’t care. He would force me to have sex all the time. I would lay there silently crying just wishing I would die. I wouldn’t move an inch, I felt disgusting. I just wanted to rip all of my skin from my body and burn it. I hated my life so very much. He would say to me ‘I hate you, you make me feel like I’m raping you’ I think this was to try and convince himself that it was okay to be doing it. This wouldn’t happen every night. Some nights he would force me to do other things and would shout at me and grab my arms to make me do whatever he wanted me to.

This made my depression worse than it’s ever been. I had the most beautiful baby girl and all I could think about was suicide. Having her there was literally the only thing stopping me. The days felt like weeks and the weeks like months. I didn’t leave the house for almost five months because my anxiety was so bad. I was being a terrible mum and all the life just felt like it had been drained out of me. I started taking anti depressants and my GP sent me to a councillor. It was talking to her that made me realise that I had become a shell of the person I was and I didn’t like it. I knew I had the ability to change things and then one day I did. I had received a text from a mutual friend saying Andrew had been cheating on me and I used this as my escape route. I asked a friend to come over to supervise me and make sure he didn’t talk me out of it. He left and within a few hours I’d packed all of this things and got my dad to take it all to his parents house. I haven’t seen him since.

The things that I have been through this year are horrendous, but I’ve come through the other side fighting. I have never been more determined to make a good life for myself and of course my beautiful daughter. In the short time we have been alone things have dramatically changed and everyone around me has commented on it.

Andrew was a monster and I let him take over my life but I can now see that it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve it and I didn’t have to put up with it. I can’t stress enough how important it is, if anyone at all is going through this to take that first step by admitting these things to yourself. Tell someone what is going on and be strong!

I now feel like I could get through anything that life throws at me. I have come a long way and I’m going to keep going up!

The dreaded day pt II

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not even sure there is words to describe how I’m feeling. Seeing an Ex is always painful but seeing the father of your child that left you both, is a soul crushing sort of painful.

I’ve known lots of women and some men that have had awful breakups and had a really tough time battling in court etc and I never thought of myself as someone that should complain because I had it pretty easy really. He said he didn’t want a baby and that was that. I don’t think I ever realised how I truly felt about the whole situation, we live in different towns so we have never ran into each other and despite mutual friends we never even had the awkward encounter on Facebook, he was there one day and then gone the next. Seeing him today has stirred up a lot of feelings.

I’ll set the scene a little bit for you, We worked together in a nightclub, we would always have that flirty sort of banter behind the bar and because it was such a tight space there was always a lot of harmless touching to move the other out of the way. After about a month of flirting he left to become full time at his other job as a computer technician. I didn’t see him for a little while after that but then he came in one night with some others that worked in the bar. I was working on the door that night and he stood and talked to me for ages while our friends were inside getting drunk. After that the texting began and of course more flirting. After a little while everyone at work was trying to arrange a staff day out to a water park and he was invited. He drove a two seater MX5 and thought he was the dogs bollocks! He offered to take me with him but the plan was to take a slight detour to have a little fun on our own. It was all talk though because none of us actually ended up going to the water park. After this there was a lot of nights out and a lot of sex. He was amazing and I fell so hard so quick for him. None of our work friends except Adam (Adam from pt 1 who had his baby christened today, our best friend ever) knew what was going on because it just made sense not to have everyone involved and making comments. Because we were sneaking around and constantly trying not to get caught that obviously made it more fun. I can remember the first time we did ‘it’ perfectly, I don’t think that memory will ever leave my mind. after about 4 months of this going on myself and Adam got a house together and He was there all the time, he always used to say it was to see Adam but it never was. It was so nice to have him in my home and around my things all the time, not worrying about being caught. We really connected after I moved, we would stay up all night talking, we would have such deep talks about everything and we would laugh like I’ve never laughed with anyone else. He made me so incredibly happy.

I fell pregnant in November 2014 and I was so scared on how he would react. He has a 3 year old son that he doesn’t see and I was so petrified he would push me away just like he did with the other Mum. I kept putting it off telling him and eventually got myself so wound up that I stopped speaking to him all together, he tried to act like he wasn’t bothered but he clearly was because he kept talking in the group chat we had, even when no one would reply. After a few weeks, I sadly had an accident and lost the baby. I was shattered, seriously completely broken, I was still mourning my loss when he randomly text me and said ‘Are you pregnant….?’ I Immediately told him the truth and he had such a mixture of emotions, he was sad that I never told him but he was so upset that the baby was gone and I had been going through this alone. I don’t think anyone has ever held me that tight in my whole life. He promised me we would get through it together and he would always be there for me and made me promise that I wouldn’t keep anything like that from him again.

It took us a while to get back on track as I think it does with most people who go through something that painful. by the time February came around we were back to our old selves. Me and Adam decided to have a house party one night because all of our friends were off work (this NEVER ever happens when you work in a nightclub). He obviously came but there was a lot of my friends that he didn’t know so he kept his distance all night, it got late and everyone started to leave and there was me, Adam, him and one last friend of ours who was very very drunk and wouldn’t stop talking. I went up to bed and left the boys chatting, after about five minutes I heard him come upstairs, he had arranged with Adam to stay because he had been drinking and a taxi all the way to his would cost a fortune. I went into Adam’s room and sat on the bed with him, we started laughing and joking together and I asked him to come sleep in my room instead of with Adam, as I said this Adam and our other friend came upstairs so I jumped up and left. The next morning at 6am our boss rang and said our friend was still drunk and couldn’t go into work so Adam took one for the team and went in. He came and got into bed with me and we stayed there literally all day, we didn’t even eat. We cuddled and kissed and had the most amazing sex I’ve ever had. He’s over a ft taller than me so he would always look down at me with this specific look on his face and I would give anything for him to look at me again like that. This was the morning that our daughter was conceived. I will never forget it.

After we found out I was pregnant my fairytale soon ended and he ran off happily with his annoying perfect girlfriend and never gave me a second thought. Well that’s what I always assumed because he never asked Adam about me and he never replied to the drunk text I sent him once. When I seen him today we made eye contact for the first time in about 18 months and I could see he was looking at me with the same sort of pain that I was staring at him with. It was a really awkward day. I kept catching him glance over and he was purposefully walking the long way around the room to walk past me and the baby, I accidentally (I know what you’re thinking but it actually was an accident) bumped into him as I tried to walk past undetected. As I walked past him again to return to my seat he stepped out in front of me and looked down at me with his massive brown eyes and I felt like time had actually stood still, he opened his mouth about to say something and I just panicked and walked off. I’m so mad at myself! I really want to know what he was going to say, even if it was just “hi”.

I didn’t know how I would feel seeing him today, I thought I would be mad at him for leaving us but I’m really not. He always said It would be to hard because his family wouldn’t accept our baby and they would kick him out, for the first time since all of this started I really believed him. I miss him so deeply. Part of me just wants to ring him but I know he wouldn’t answer, no matter how much he wanted to he doesn’t think he can trust me anymore (because I told his mum I was pregnant after he told me not to) My heart breaks a little more every time I think about him. All I wanted was for him to be apart of our daughters life because I know he would be an amazing dad. I’ve always felt so much guilt towards the whole situation because I feel like she doesn’t have a dad and that’s my fault. I’m always going to be honest with her when she’s old enough to understand and I just pray if she goes to find him one day that he accepts her.

I think I’ve finally realised that I love him. I probably always will love him and there’s nothing I can really do about it.

I apologise for how long this is and there is a lot in this post you didn’t need to know but I really needed to get that off my chest and I feel a million times better. Sometimes you just need a place to be honest.