I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not even sure there is words to describe how I’m feeling. Seeing an Ex is always painful but seeing the father of your child that left you both, is a soul crushing sort of painful.
I’ve known lots of women and some men that have had awful breakups and had a really tough time battling in court etc and I never thought of myself as someone that should complain because I had it pretty easy really. He said he didn’t want a baby and that was that. I don’t think I ever realised how I truly felt about the whole situation, we live in different towns so we have never ran into each other and despite mutual friends we never even had the awkward encounter on Facebook, he was there one day and then gone the next. Seeing him today has stirred up a lot of feelings.
I’ll set the scene a little bit for you, We worked together in a nightclub, we would always have that flirty sort of banter behind the bar and because it was such a tight space there was always a lot of harmless touching to move the other out of the way. After about a month of flirting he left to become full time at his other job as a computer technician. I didn’t see him for a little while after that but then he came in one night with some others that worked in the bar. I was working on the door that night and he stood and talked to me for ages while our friends were inside getting drunk. After that the texting began and of course more flirting. After a little while everyone at work was trying to arrange a staff day out to a water park and he was invited. He drove a two seater MX5 and thought he was the dogs bollocks! He offered to take me with him but the plan was to take a slight detour to have a little fun on our own. It was all talk though because none of us actually ended up going to the water park. After this there was a lot of nights out and a lot of sex. He was amazing and I fell so hard so quick for him. None of our work friends except Adam (Adam from pt 1 who had his baby christened today, our best friend ever) knew what was going on because it just made sense not to have everyone involved and making comments. Because we were sneaking around and constantly trying not to get caught that obviously made it more fun. I can remember the first time we did ‘it’ perfectly, I don’t think that memory will ever leave my mind. after about 4 months of this going on myself and Adam got a house together and He was there all the time, he always used to say it was to see Adam but it never was. It was so nice to have him in my home and around my things all the time, not worrying about being caught. We really connected after I moved, we would stay up all night talking, we would have such deep talks about everything and we would laugh like I’ve never laughed with anyone else. He made me so incredibly happy.
I fell pregnant in November 2014 and I was so scared on how he would react. He has a 3 year old son that he doesn’t see and I was so petrified he would push me away just like he did with the other Mum. I kept putting it off telling him and eventually got myself so wound up that I stopped speaking to him all together, he tried to act like he wasn’t bothered but he clearly was because he kept talking in the group chat we had, even when no one would reply. After a few weeks, I sadly had an accident and lost the baby. I was shattered, seriously completely broken, I was still mourning my loss when he randomly text me and said ‘Are you pregnant….?’ I Immediately told him the truth and he had such a mixture of emotions, he was sad that I never told him but he was so upset that the baby was gone and I had been going through this alone. I don’t think anyone has ever held me that tight in my whole life. He promised me we would get through it together and he would always be there for me and made me promise that I wouldn’t keep anything like that from him again.
It took us a while to get back on track as I think it does with most people who go through something that painful. by the time February came around we were back to our old selves. Me and Adam decided to have a house party one night because all of our friends were off work (this NEVER ever happens when you work in a nightclub). He obviously came but there was a lot of my friends that he didn’t know so he kept his distance all night, it got late and everyone started to leave and there was me, Adam, him and one last friend of ours who was very very drunk and wouldn’t stop talking. I went up to bed and left the boys chatting, after about five minutes I heard him come upstairs, he had arranged with Adam to stay because he had been drinking and a taxi all the way to his would cost a fortune. I went into Adam’s room and sat on the bed with him, we started laughing and joking together and I asked him to come sleep in my room instead of with Adam, as I said this Adam and our other friend came upstairs so I jumped up and left. The next morning at 6am our boss rang and said our friend was still drunk and couldn’t go into work so Adam took one for the team and went in. He came and got into bed with me and we stayed there literally all day, we didn’t even eat. We cuddled and kissed and had the most amazing sex I’ve ever had. He’s over a ft taller than me so he would always look down at me with this specific look on his face and I would give anything for him to look at me again like that. This was the morning that our daughter was conceived. I will never forget it.
After we found out I was pregnant my fairytale soon ended and he ran off happily with his annoying perfect girlfriend and never gave me a second thought. Well that’s what I always assumed because he never asked Adam about me and he never replied to the drunk text I sent him once. When I seen him today we made eye contact for the first time in about 18 months and I could see he was looking at me with the same sort of pain that I was staring at him with. It was a really awkward day. I kept catching him glance over and he was purposefully walking the long way around the room to walk past me and the baby, I accidentally (I know what you’re thinking but it actually was an accident) bumped into him as I tried to walk past undetected. As I walked past him again to return to my seat he stepped out in front of me and looked down at me with his massive brown eyes and I felt like time had actually stood still, he opened his mouth about to say something and I just panicked and walked off. I’m so mad at myself! I really want to know what he was going to say, even if it was just “hi”.
I didn’t know how I would feel seeing him today, I thought I would be mad at him for leaving us but I’m really not. He always said It would be to hard because his family wouldn’t accept our baby and they would kick him out, for the first time since all of this started I really believed him. I miss him so deeply. Part of me just wants to ring him but I know he wouldn’t answer, no matter how much he wanted to he doesn’t think he can trust me anymore (because I told his mum I was pregnant after he told me not to) My heart breaks a little more every time I think about him. All I wanted was for him to be apart of our daughters life because I know he would be an amazing dad. I’ve always felt so much guilt towards the whole situation because I feel like she doesn’t have a dad and that’s my fault. I’m always going to be honest with her when she’s old enough to understand and I just pray if she goes to find him one day that he accepts her.
I think I’ve finally realised that I love him. I probably always will love him and there’s nothing I can really do about it.
I apologise for how long this is and there is a lot in this post you didn’t need to know but I really needed to get that off my chest and I feel a million times better. Sometimes you just need a place to be honest.