A lifelong battle.

So I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I kept telling myself that I was better and that my demons were gone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life has changed significantly since I last wrote. I’m now in a relationship with the most wonderful man, He has a son so he understands that being a parent will always come first. It’s still only the early stages but I can already feel myself slipping.

We got into a bit of an argument last night, nothing major but we handle arguments very differently. He likes to go off on his own whereas I like to talk and get it over with. It was playing on my mind all night and I’ve woke up this morning feeling exactly like I did a year ago. Anyone that follows me will know that my last relationship was very abusive but in the early days it was just me being made to feel guilty, plans being cancelled and constantly feeling not good enough. The abuse that I went through has completely changed me as a person and I don’t think I will ever get over that now. I was always such a confident person and I never got jealous or anxious. I was the life and soul of the party. These days even the word ‘party’ makes me feel a little sick. I’m struggling with how to work this relationship because I don’t even really know how to work myself. My abusive relationship ended in the beginning of August last year, so this is all still pretty fresh. I thought I was over it because I was happy for a few weeks but realistically I’m not. I still don’t want to leave the house, I still constantly worry how I look and what my weight is like. Drunk people make me want to run away and every time someone suddenly moves I flinch and my heart sinks.

I feel guilty putting all of these problems and issues onto my new relationship, its not fair for him to be constantly dealing with my breakdowns and acting a little psycho. We have only just met, he never knew me before or during the abuse. I don’t think he really understands how much its affected my mental state, and that’s fine because you can’t understand these things unless you have been through them. I think sometimes though he thinks I’m just being snappy or grumpy when in reality its probably something that got said in passing hours ago that’s still eating away at me. I don’t want to leave him, not at all. He makes me so happy and to be honest he’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I’m just worried that I’m being selfish and he’s going to leave me. I have no idea how I would even begin to cope with that.

I’m under a lot of stress at the moment, I have assignments and deadlines that I’m drowning in, A teething one year old who is also going through sleep regression, bills stacking up, new relationship stresses and then all the other drama I throw at myself every day, it’s starting to become a bit much. Years ago I could deal with this so easy, I took everything in my stride. Nothing bothered me, I could do anything but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

This leads me onto my point. I have been through something awful, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Its something that is part of me now, something that has scared me.I will never be the person that I once was and I now need to focus on being the person that I am now. Not the person I was or during that awful relationship. It’s okay to be different and it’s okay to struggle. I need to have more confidence in myself and tell myself I can do it. Just believing in yourself can do wonders. I heard a quote the other day that I really liked and it fits nicely with this.

“Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will fall amongst the stars.”

Dating.

Trying to date is not what I expected. I think I spent too much time in my teens watching american chick flicks and I got this unrealistic image in my head of what it would be like once I really started to date. Obviously I’ve had boyfriends but I always felt like a child still, since becoming a Mum I look at everything differently so I don’t want a relationship that revolves around nights out and being wild. I just want someone to snuggle up with on a night, someone that has a job and actual life goals.

So I met this guy about three years ago at a house party, I don’t think we ever actually spoke (I’ll be honest I have no memory of ever meeting him, I just knew of him but according to him we did actually meet). After not seeing each other for probably about two years he added me on Facebook. I know, romantic right? We started talking and we just clicked straight away. He made me laugh and made me feel so comfortable. He already knew I was a Mum so we didn’t need to have that conversation.

After about two weeks of talking non stop he talked me into seeing him. Because my anxiety is so bad the thought of meeting him obviously made me want to vomit. I wanted to stay in my comfort zone so we decided he could come to my house. Arabella was awake and playing when he came over which wasn’t what I had planned but it all worked out perfectly. They got on like a house on fire, she thinks he’s hilarious and he’s quite fond of her too.

we’ve seen each other loads since then, we even had the awkward first time sex without anything awkward actually happening. so now two months in I really like him. We’ve been getting on great so of course now something has to happen to ruin it because people like me can’t just be happy.

He texts me every morning but takes hours to reply, we have only seen each other once in two weeks, everything was going at a nice speed and now suddenly I feel like we are going backwards. Am I being clingy? I thought people were clingy and loved up in these early stages? Did I miss the rules of relationships changing? I tried to talk to him about it but it didn’t seem to get me anywhere. I don’t want to annoy him  by constantly double texting him or bringing up how I feel because he doesn’t know I’m insane yet.

I really want this to work but I’m really worried he’s now gone off me. Considering he had so much time for me in the beginning his excuses seem empty.

The beginning.

So…where to start? I’m a mum to a beautiful ten month old baby girl, I’m definitely NOT one of these perfect home-maker mums. I always thought I would be a Mary Poppins type of mum but it turns out I couldn’t be further away from that. I loose my temper a lot, I call her an asshole a lot, my house is a mess constantly but I’m at that stage in my parenting journey where I’m really not afraid to say it. I’m a bit of a shit mum, but that’s okay, we all are at times aren’t we?

My drama started from day one of being pregnant, my daughters biological father said he didn’t want a baby because he had another girlfriend that he didn’t want to leave, we haven’t spoke since I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I then thought it would be a good idea to get into a relationship with my lying, cheating ex boyfriend at around 6 months pregnant. We stayed together for the end of my pregnancy, the birth of my beautiful daughter, her first Christmas, my first mothers day and then 3 weeks before our first family holiday we spilt (he was a raging alcoholic but that’s a story for a different time). So now we live alone and I’ve come to terms with being a single mum. We are in a routine again, I’ve started taking night classes and even started seeing someone. Sounds like a super mum right? WRONG.

I find being a mum really hard, I’m battling with depression every day. Anxiety attacks stop me from leaving the house unless I’m with someone and I’m constantly battling with my own mind and insecurities daily. Despite every single day being a battle, I love my Daughter. She really is amazing. I could just squeeze her little face!

So what I’m trying to tell you is, this blog is going to be me having a rant when I’ve had a bad day. Whinging about being a Mum and trying to date etc…Feel free to come on this ride with us because I’m sure it will make you feel a lot better about being a mum, a girlfriend and overall a person.