A lifelong battle.

So I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I kept telling myself that I was better and that my demons were gone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life has changed significantly since I last wrote. I’m now in a relationship with the most wonderful man, He has a son so he understands that being a parent will always come first. It’s still only the early stages but I can already feel myself slipping.

We got into a bit of an argument last night, nothing major but we handle arguments very differently. He likes to go off on his own whereas I like to talk and get it over with. It was playing on my mind all night and I’ve woke up this morning feeling exactly like I did a year ago. Anyone that follows me will know that my last relationship was very abusive but in the early days it was just me being made to feel guilty, plans being cancelled and constantly feeling not good enough. The abuse that I went through has completely changed me as a person and I don’t think I will ever get over that now. I was always such a confident person and I never got jealous or anxious. I was the life and soul of the party. These days even the word ‘party’ makes me feel a little sick. I’m struggling with how to work this relationship because I don’t even really know how to work myself. My abusive relationship ended in the beginning of August last year, so this is all still pretty fresh. I thought I was over it because I was happy for a few weeks but realistically I’m not. I still don’t want to leave the house, I still constantly worry how I look and what my weight is like. Drunk people make me want to run away and every time someone suddenly moves I flinch and my heart sinks.

I feel guilty putting all of these problems and issues onto my new relationship, its not fair for him to be constantly dealing with my breakdowns and acting a little psycho. We have only just met, he never knew me before or during the abuse. I don’t think he really understands how much its affected my mental state, and that’s fine because you can’t understand these things unless you have been through them. I think sometimes though he thinks I’m just being snappy or grumpy when in reality its probably something that got said in passing hours ago that’s still eating away at me. I don’t want to leave him, not at all. He makes me so happy and to be honest he’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I’m just worried that I’m being selfish and he’s going to leave me. I have no idea how I would even begin to cope with that.

I’m under a lot of stress at the moment, I have assignments and deadlines that I’m drowning in, A teething one year old who is also going through sleep regression, bills stacking up, new relationship stresses and then all the other drama I throw at myself every day, it’s starting to become a bit much. Years ago I could deal with this so easy, I took everything in my stride. Nothing bothered me, I could do anything but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

This leads me onto my point. I have been through something awful, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Its something that is part of me now, something that has scared me.I will never be the person that I once was and I now need to focus on being the person that I am now. Not the person I was or during that awful relationship. It’s okay to be different and it’s okay to struggle. I need to have more confidence in myself and tell myself I can do it. Just believing in yourself can do wonders. I heard a quote the other day that I really liked and it fits nicely with this.

“Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will fall amongst the stars.”

Past relationships.

So I’ve just got home from a maths lecture and we’ve all been sat talking about relationships all night. As I’ve sat and thought about all of mine I’ve realised just how bad they’ve been. I’ve always been really open about my relationship with my baby’s dad but the relationship I had after that is one then I’ve never spoke about because It’s such a touchy subject but I feel like I’m ready to talk about it.

I met Andrew in the summer of 2013. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance and after knowing each other two months and being together for one month we decided to move in together. It was the first time I had ever lived away from home so obviously it was a massive step for me. We were really happy at first, obviously we were still in that honeymoon period and just wanted to see each other all the time. My parents were always really strict so I could never have friends over or have a party or anything while I lived at home, so obviously I enjoyed my first bit of freedom as any teenager would and had parties all the time. I loved this at first but It soon became very boring. Andrew was constantly in and out of work so we struggled for money a lot of the time, despite being in debt we would still have people over on the weekend and Andrew would spend every penny we had. He would literally leave us with nothing so I would have to borrow money off my Mum and Dad every week. I hated doing this because I’ve always been an independent person so this started to cause friction. I got a job working as a supply teaching assistant in a nursery and I started bringing in a reasonable amount of money, which of course Andrew would spend. After arguing for about three weeks non stop he got a job working on a oil rig doing repairs when it was in the docks. We now both had good jobs and were earning good money. We still however had nothing every Monday morning. Andrew decided to quit his job and become self employed. He had no idea what he was doing and the business he tried to set up with a friend completely failed. I took a second job working in a nightclub to try and keep us above water. I was now working 8:00am till 3:30pm every week day at the school and I would work 9:00pm till 4am monday, wednesday and sunday and then 9pm till 5am on a friday and saturday. As you can imagine I was exhausted all of the time. I did this non stop without a day off for months. I came home one night after working all day and night to find that Andrew had been out drinking all night, spent all our money and had cheated on me. He arranged to meet a girl he used to work with, bought her drinks all night with my wages and then took her back to my home and slept with her. After this we broke up.

We weren’t together for just short of a year. During this time I had met my babies dad, got pregnant and was around six months pregnant before I seen him again. When I did see him he looked and acted so different. He told me about how his life had changed and he wasn’t partying anymore and he had really settled down. Me being the mug that I am believed him and we got back together. He told me he would raise my baby with me and we would be the loving happy family we were meant to be. He moved in with me and my parents until the baby was about a month old. Every big moment in my pregnancy and after she was born he managed to ruin. He started drinking heavily in the month that she was born but he kept using the excuse ‘its Christmas and we’re celebrating’.After we moved into our own house again the problems started. I really started to resent him and I had no real affection towards him, we were never intimate, we argued all the time and to be completely honest he never really bothered with the baby. He got a job working with one of his friends and he was working 6 days a week. Towards the end of our relationship he would finish work and go to the pub every single night. He would stay there until it closed and then come home drunk. I would wait up for him and we would argue. This was my life for about four months.

There was a couple of times when he came home and he was violent. He once put his phone between his knuckles and punched me in the head. It hurt like hell for about a week. I would ring my dad crying on a night asking him to come round and help me get Andrew to bed. My Dad is an amazing person and I know he would literally do anything for me, I had to be so careful to make sure he didn’t see the violence. I was embarrassed, I didn’t want people to think I was failing and I knew that I wouldn’t leave him so if they knew what was going on it would just make things really awkward.

The violence, the drinking, the arguing I could easily put up with. I obviously never wanted to but I kept telling myself that I would never find anyone else and I didn’t want to be alone. It was once the sexual abuse started that I completely broke down. I never wanted to be intimate with him because I hated him so much, I would say It never felt right after having the baby and it hurt but he didn’t care. He would force me to have sex all the time. I would lay there silently crying just wishing I would die. I wouldn’t move an inch, I felt disgusting. I just wanted to rip all of my skin from my body and burn it. I hated my life so very much. He would say to me ‘I hate you, you make me feel like I’m raping you’ I think this was to try and convince himself that it was okay to be doing it. This wouldn’t happen every night. Some nights he would force me to do other things and would shout at me and grab my arms to make me do whatever he wanted me to.

This made my depression worse than it’s ever been. I had the most beautiful baby girl and all I could think about was suicide. Having her there was literally the only thing stopping me. The days felt like weeks and the weeks like months. I didn’t leave the house for almost five months because my anxiety was so bad. I was being a terrible mum and all the life just felt like it had been drained out of me. I started taking anti depressants and my GP sent me to a councillor. It was talking to her that made me realise that I had become a shell of the person I was and I didn’t like it. I knew I had the ability to change things and then one day I did. I had received a text from a mutual friend saying Andrew had been cheating on me and I used this as my escape route. I asked a friend to come over to supervise me and make sure he didn’t talk me out of it. He left and within a few hours I’d packed all of this things and got my dad to take it all to his parents house. I haven’t seen him since.

The things that I have been through this year are horrendous, but I’ve come through the other side fighting. I have never been more determined to make a good life for myself and of course my beautiful daughter. In the short time we have been alone things have dramatically changed and everyone around me has commented on it.

Andrew was a monster and I let him take over my life but I can now see that it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve it and I didn’t have to put up with it. I can’t stress enough how important it is, if anyone at all is going through this to take that first step by admitting these things to yourself. Tell someone what is going on and be strong!

I now feel like I could get through anything that life throws at me. I have come a long way and I’m going to keep going up!

Night time blues.

I always find it much easier to distract myself during the day but when it comes to the night and I’m alone I always find myself getting down. Its world mental health day today so there has been a lot of Facebook posts about how to make yourself feel better and how you should always seek help. I don’t know about anyone else but these posts make me feel worse! I sit wallowing in self pity thinking ‘I don’t have anyone to seek help from!’ My problems always seem so trivial and those that do listen soon get sick of me saying the same things!

I hate feeling like this. It makes me feel like I’m not normal. People ask what’s wrong and I can never quite put my finger on what it is. It seems like the words don’t exist to describe it. I cry all the time, I’m so negative about everything, I get anxiety attacks and I convince myself I hate my life. I obviously don’t and I always realise that but at the time I just think I’m stuck in a rut and it’s never going to get any better.

I think some of my problem is that I’m so lonely, people always say to me ‘you’re not alone you have the baby’ but its not the same, she’s not going to share a glass of wine with me and listen to me complain about my bullshit days, she’s not going to tell me everything is going to be okay and she’s not going to go out at 3am and buy me chocolate to stop me crying (yes that actually happened once).

I have so much in life to be grateful for and I make myself so mad that I let the little things get me down! I have a gorgeous home, yes it might be messy all the time but its still warm and dry. I have a beautiful baby girl that loves me unconditionally and I have my good old friend prosecco there when I need it.

I feel like I’ve battled with mental health problems most of my life. There are times when I’m completely fine and I’ll be my normal happy self for months and then there’s the phase where I don’t leave the house and loose myself a little bit. I’m no expert but over the years I’ve found some things that help me and everyone is different but these might be worth a shot!

  • I like to walk away from things when I’m getting stressed or upset, sometimes I have to count to 100 but I always feel a little bit better afterwards
  • If there is a specific person that’s upset me I like to write a letter, I get all of my feelings out and half the time it doesn’t even make sense but when I’m done I feel like a weight has been lifted. Then I just throw it away.
  • I try and distract myself as best as I can, I’ll watch the TV or I might even start cleaning (rare, but it helps some people) If my mind is occupied on my meaningless task I almost forget what I’m upset about. I would advise not to do anything important though because if you make a mess or do something wrong that could set you back!
  • Taking time out for myself is something I’ve only recently started doing, but having a bath in peace or going for a walk on my own (I know it makes no sense that I complain I’m alone and then being on my own makes me feel better, there is method in my madness somewhere) really helps me calm down
  • I think a big one is getting out of the house, I stay in a lot and I almost turn my home into a cave of pity! It doesn’t matter where you go but a change of scenery always helps me!
  • more than anything, I like to sit and watch my little girl. Nothing on this earth can make me smile like she does.

Since becoming a Mum I’ve met so many people that are going through the same sort of things, I have to tell myself this a lot but you’re not alone! Someone loves you, Someone cares about you and there is someone that would be heartbroken if something happened to you. It might not always feel like it but it’s the truth.

A very close friend of mine died around 18 months ago and he always used to say to me that he was alone and no one cared about him and despite everyone telling him that they loved him and they did care for him he never believed it. He died of an accidental overdose and the day of his funeral there was so many people that came to say goodbye, so many people that were left with a hole in their heart without him, it was overwhelming. I wish he knew the impact he had on people. This made me realise, you affect people every day, you might not even realise but you will have made a difference to someone and chances are they wont forget it!

I’m not really sure what my point is with this post but it’s made me feel better getting it all out and I hope that this could help at least one person. My most favourite thing that always brings me out of my depressive state is something I came across on twitter one day. Its the semi colon. it is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.