A lifelong battle.

So I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I kept telling myself that I was better and that my demons were gone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life has changed significantly since I last wrote. I’m now in a relationship with the most wonderful man, He has a son so he understands that being a parent will always come first. It’s still only the early stages but I can already feel myself slipping.

We got into a bit of an argument last night, nothing major but we handle arguments very differently. He likes to go off on his own whereas I like to talk and get it over with. It was playing on my mind all night and I’ve woke up this morning feeling exactly like I did a year ago. Anyone that follows me will know that my last relationship was very abusive but in the early days it was just me being made to feel guilty, plans being cancelled and constantly feeling not good enough. The abuse that I went through has completely changed me as a person and I don’t think I will ever get over that now. I was always such a confident person and I never got jealous or anxious. I was the life and soul of the party. These days even the word ‘party’ makes me feel a little sick. I’m struggling with how to work this relationship because I don’t even really know how to work myself. My abusive relationship ended in the beginning of August last year, so this is all still pretty fresh. I thought I was over it because I was happy for a few weeks but realistically I’m not. I still don’t want to leave the house, I still constantly worry how I look and what my weight is like. Drunk people make me want to run away and every time someone suddenly moves I flinch and my heart sinks.

I feel guilty putting all of these problems and issues onto my new relationship, its not fair for him to be constantly dealing with my breakdowns and acting a little psycho. We have only just met, he never knew me before or during the abuse. I don’t think he really understands how much its affected my mental state, and that’s fine because you can’t understand these things unless you have been through them. I think sometimes though he thinks I’m just being snappy or grumpy when in reality its probably something that got said in passing hours ago that’s still eating away at me. I don’t want to leave him, not at all. He makes me so happy and to be honest he’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I’m just worried that I’m being selfish and he’s going to leave me. I have no idea how I would even begin to cope with that.

I’m under a lot of stress at the moment, I have assignments and deadlines that I’m drowning in, A teething one year old who is also going through sleep regression, bills stacking up, new relationship stresses and then all the other drama I throw at myself every day, it’s starting to become a bit much. Years ago I could deal with this so easy, I took everything in my stride. Nothing bothered me, I could do anything but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

This leads me onto my point. I have been through something awful, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Its something that is part of me now, something that has scared me.I will never be the person that I once was and I now need to focus on being the person that I am now. Not the person I was or during that awful relationship. It’s okay to be different and it’s okay to struggle. I need to have more confidence in myself and tell myself I can do it. Just believing in yourself can do wonders. I heard a quote the other day that I really liked and it fits nicely with this.

“Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will fall amongst the stars.”

A letter to my Ex.

I never ever thought that we would turn into this. I always pictured our happy lives, our loving family and our perfect little home. Not even in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I loved you from the moment I met you, I was obsessed with you and everything about you. I gave you my heart, my home and even my daughter for you to throw it away.

I always thought getting abused didn’t happen to people like me, it would be weak people or people who weren’t as privileged as I was. How wrong was I? How could I have been so naive?  I was convinced you were my prince charming and we would have our fairy tale ending. I kept telling myself that you would stop and that you didn’t mean it. I was sure you would see what you were doing and realise how much you were hurting me, but you didn’t. I believed you when you said you were sorry and you loved me. But how can you do that to someone you love?

I feel like my life has been ruined. Every memory I have of my daughters first year has been ruined by you. I don’t think I will ever be the same again, I don’t think I will ever be able to get over what you did. How am I supposed to move on and find someone else? I thought I could trust you but obviously my judgement was wrong with that one.

I’m a shell of the person I used to be, I still can’t leave the house on my own. I’m still depressed and It’s making me a bad Mum.

I really hope you’re ashamed of what you have done and I hope you never forgive yourself because I know I never will.

Moving on.

I’m having a bad day today and writing about my feelings always seems to help, so here it goes!

I’ve written about my last relationship a few times, sometimes I just briefly complain and other times I’ve gone into detail about the abuse and the real dark times that I’ve been through. Today I was talking to a mutual friend that we have and she told me that he’s moved on, he’s found someone and he’s happy. I’m not upset that he’s with someone I’m upset that he’s happy. He put my through hell for the last year of our relationship and It’s taking me a long time to get over it. I feel like I’m scared and its never going heal. I want to cry and rip my skin off every time I think of the things he done to me. Despite all of that, he’s happy. How is that fair?

He is a monster and he’s never been punished for it while I’m punishing myself every day. I feel like I can’t move on and I don’t trust relationships with anyone anymore, but he gets to be happy.

why…?

Past relationships.

So I’ve just got home from a maths lecture and we’ve all been sat talking about relationships all night. As I’ve sat and thought about all of mine I’ve realised just how bad they’ve been. I’ve always been really open about my relationship with my baby’s dad but the relationship I had after that is one then I’ve never spoke about because It’s such a touchy subject but I feel like I’m ready to talk about it.

I met Andrew in the summer of 2013. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance and after knowing each other two months and being together for one month we decided to move in together. It was the first time I had ever lived away from home so obviously it was a massive step for me. We were really happy at first, obviously we were still in that honeymoon period and just wanted to see each other all the time. My parents were always really strict so I could never have friends over or have a party or anything while I lived at home, so obviously I enjoyed my first bit of freedom as any teenager would and had parties all the time. I loved this at first but It soon became very boring. Andrew was constantly in and out of work so we struggled for money a lot of the time, despite being in debt we would still have people over on the weekend and Andrew would spend every penny we had. He would literally leave us with nothing so I would have to borrow money off my Mum and Dad every week. I hated doing this because I’ve always been an independent person so this started to cause friction. I got a job working as a supply teaching assistant in a nursery and I started bringing in a reasonable amount of money, which of course Andrew would spend. After arguing for about three weeks non stop he got a job working on a oil rig doing repairs when it was in the docks. We now both had good jobs and were earning good money. We still however had nothing every Monday morning. Andrew decided to quit his job and become self employed. He had no idea what he was doing and the business he tried to set up with a friend completely failed. I took a second job working in a nightclub to try and keep us above water. I was now working 8:00am till 3:30pm every week day at the school and I would work 9:00pm till 4am monday, wednesday and sunday and then 9pm till 5am on a friday and saturday. As you can imagine I was exhausted all of the time. I did this non stop without a day off for months. I came home one night after working all day and night to find that Andrew had been out drinking all night, spent all our money and had cheated on me. He arranged to meet a girl he used to work with, bought her drinks all night with my wages and then took her back to my home and slept with her. After this we broke up.

We weren’t together for just short of a year. During this time I had met my babies dad, got pregnant and was around six months pregnant before I seen him again. When I did see him he looked and acted so different. He told me about how his life had changed and he wasn’t partying anymore and he had really settled down. Me being the mug that I am believed him and we got back together. He told me he would raise my baby with me and we would be the loving happy family we were meant to be. He moved in with me and my parents until the baby was about a month old. Every big moment in my pregnancy and after she was born he managed to ruin. He started drinking heavily in the month that she was born but he kept using the excuse ‘its Christmas and we’re celebrating’.After we moved into our own house again the problems started. I really started to resent him and I had no real affection towards him, we were never intimate, we argued all the time and to be completely honest he never really bothered with the baby. He got a job working with one of his friends and he was working 6 days a week. Towards the end of our relationship he would finish work and go to the pub every single night. He would stay there until it closed and then come home drunk. I would wait up for him and we would argue. This was my life for about four months.

There was a couple of times when he came home and he was violent. He once put his phone between his knuckles and punched me in the head. It hurt like hell for about a week. I would ring my dad crying on a night asking him to come round and help me get Andrew to bed. My Dad is an amazing person and I know he would literally do anything for me, I had to be so careful to make sure he didn’t see the violence. I was embarrassed, I didn’t want people to think I was failing and I knew that I wouldn’t leave him so if they knew what was going on it would just make things really awkward.

The violence, the drinking, the arguing I could easily put up with. I obviously never wanted to but I kept telling myself that I would never find anyone else and I didn’t want to be alone. It was once the sexual abuse started that I completely broke down. I never wanted to be intimate with him because I hated him so much, I would say It never felt right after having the baby and it hurt but he didn’t care. He would force me to have sex all the time. I would lay there silently crying just wishing I would die. I wouldn’t move an inch, I felt disgusting. I just wanted to rip all of my skin from my body and burn it. I hated my life so very much. He would say to me ‘I hate you, you make me feel like I’m raping you’ I think this was to try and convince himself that it was okay to be doing it. This wouldn’t happen every night. Some nights he would force me to do other things and would shout at me and grab my arms to make me do whatever he wanted me to.

This made my depression worse than it’s ever been. I had the most beautiful baby girl and all I could think about was suicide. Having her there was literally the only thing stopping me. The days felt like weeks and the weeks like months. I didn’t leave the house for almost five months because my anxiety was so bad. I was being a terrible mum and all the life just felt like it had been drained out of me. I started taking anti depressants and my GP sent me to a councillor. It was talking to her that made me realise that I had become a shell of the person I was and I didn’t like it. I knew I had the ability to change things and then one day I did. I had received a text from a mutual friend saying Andrew had been cheating on me and I used this as my escape route. I asked a friend to come over to supervise me and make sure he didn’t talk me out of it. He left and within a few hours I’d packed all of this things and got my dad to take it all to his parents house. I haven’t seen him since.

The things that I have been through this year are horrendous, but I’ve come through the other side fighting. I have never been more determined to make a good life for myself and of course my beautiful daughter. In the short time we have been alone things have dramatically changed and everyone around me has commented on it.

Andrew was a monster and I let him take over my life but I can now see that it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve it and I didn’t have to put up with it. I can’t stress enough how important it is, if anyone at all is going through this to take that first step by admitting these things to yourself. Tell someone what is going on and be strong!

I now feel like I could get through anything that life throws at me. I have come a long way and I’m going to keep going up!