A letter to my love.

My dearest Ash, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would end up being as happy as I am right now. You make my life complete, you are the reason I get up every day, You are my motivation to keep going, but most importantly you are the love of my life.

We haven’t always had it easy but we have always overcome it. We have never spoke about the beginning of our relationship when we briefly split up, I think that’s partly out of guilt but mostly because it is still too painful. However, I think now it’s time.

I knew it was coming, you hadn’t told me you loved me for days. You were acting strange, you weren’t really replying to me, you were being quite short and you just didn’t seem yourself. When you told me you were leaving, it was like I could actually feel my heart shatter, I have never ever cried like that before. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I begged and pleaded with you to stay but you wouldn’t. I must have looked so desperate, which I was. I didn’t sleep that night, I laid awake in the bed we once shared, crying, wishing you were there. The next day you changed your relationship status(you get a notification for that now – who knew!). Something so trivial yet it hurt like hell, I felt like I had just stopped crying and that pushed me over the edge, I tried to talk to you about it and you got quite snappy with me which only hurt more. I kept trying to talk to you and you kept ignoring me. My mum came to get my daughter and being in the house alone was too much, I had voices in my head screaming at me, it felt like the walls were closing in, I had to get out. I just picked up my bag and left, I didnt even put a coat on. It was February so it was really cold but I couldn’t feel it. I walked down to the river and sat and cried, so many people walked past me and not one stopped. I have never ever felt so alone.

I walked off the path and under the bridges, I used to party there when I was a teenager so I was hoping the memories would cheer me up but it only made it worse. I seen graffiti of friends that had passed and I sat and talked to them for a while, it felt good to get stuff off my chest. After that, all of the emotions hit me at once. I felt like such a failure,  I felt unloved, unwanted and it all just seemed so pointless. That’s when I made the decision to kill myself. I took a lot of really strong painkillers that were in my bag, I told you I had left something for you(which was my suicide note just in case you didnt get the hint) you were so mad. I realised where I was, was pretty open and I would be found easily, I decided to go home where I could just die in peace. I walked home, my arms were bright red from being so cold, my lips had gone blue and my vision started to blur. I got into my house and it then dawned on me that my mum would now be the person to find me. No matter what state of depression I was in, I couldn’t do that to her. I rang her, she came to me and took me to the hospital.

Fast forward a week and I was back at home under 24/7 supervision. (Apparently years of drug abuse as a teenager gives you a very high tolerance to painkillers). I laid in bed for days, surrounded by your clothes, just crying. The smell of you lingered everywhere, it was like a hug. I didn’t eat for days, when I eventually got up it was to go for a run and nothing else. I kept hoping I would see you but I never did. You seemed to be getting on with your life and I just couldn’t. I felt empty. My mum said that I just sat there, completely lifeless. I didn’t blink, I didn’t speak, she wasn’t even sure I was awake. She told me it looked like my soul had left my body, which is exactly how I felt. My life had completely fallen apart and I had no energy at all to fix it.

I knew there was something else, you kept telling me you just couldn’t do it and I knew that wasn’t true. The day you finally told me the truth about…her (lets face it she doesnt deserve a name). It felt like I had literally been stabbed, but at the same time it felt like a weight had been lifted because I finally knew the truth. And then you said the most painful thing I’ve ever had to hear, “I still love her”. I cried, in fact ‘cry’ doesnt do it justice, I sobbed – for hours. It took me days but I got back out of bed, I left the house after a few more days and then she messaged me. She didn’t know where you were and I just knew something awful had happened. I thought I was going to be sick, my whole body got hot and clammy. It was soon resolved but that was the first time we had spoke in about 2 weeks.

About a week later, I started getting ‘back to normal’. I was still on 24/7 watch but I was becoming more vocal, I started posting things online hoping you would see. Thats when Dan came along. I know we think hes a dick now but at the time he was exactly the friend I needed. He got me out of the house, away from my Mum and actually made me a little less numb. Every day we would speak, he would always check up on me, ask me if i had eaten(I still wasnt eating at all at this stage) he would take me to his and make me really sugary cups of tea and just listen to me talk shit for hours. It was what I needed. This went on for a few weeks but I still felt like I had a hole in my chest, I still wasnt eating and I still felt like I was drowning.

Then I got the message I will never forget.

“hey, I miss you” .

Everything hurt again, we talked for a few days and it felt a little awkward because I didnt know what to say, I just wanted to cry and tell you I loved you. The first night I saw you again was like I could feel my heart piecing itself back together. I have never held you so tight. From that point on things were still a bit shitty but slowly got better until we became the unbreakable team that we are now.

I’ve had a tough life. I’ve had my babys dad walk out on me, a family thats never understood me, no friends, a drug addict boyfriend that almost died, a best friend that actually did die, being raped, being abused. None of that even compares to the pain I felt when I lost you.

I can’t find the words to actually describe that pain but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Months later, we are in the happiest place I’ve ever been and I really want to stay there.

You make me laugh every day, sometimes you don’t even have to do anything. You fill me with so much confidence that I feel like nothing will defeat me. You are an amazing step dad, more amazing than I ever could have wished for. You calm me down when I’m in a mood and you listen to me when I need to rant. You have brought me out off the darkest place I have ever been in. I am so filled with love and pride for you that it feels like I might actually float. I have never felt love like this before and I know that I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. I love waking up to you every morning and falling asleep in your arms every night. You are without a doubt the missing piece of our family.

I love you and I can’t wait to marry you.

 

Getting back to ‘normal’

This past week has probably been the hardest week of my life. I wont go into many details as I don’t think I’m ready to share yet, but it has been awful.

I’m now at day 6 of my breakup. I feel like I’ve been through a horrific ordeal. Like I’ve been involved in a tragic incident or something. I have eaten 2 meals in 6 days, had about 10 hours sleep and have hardly moved. My heart actually hurts, it’s like a physical pain. I’ve been through my baby’s dad leaving me pregnant, an abusive relationship, and a relationship with an addict so I’ve had my fair share of drama but this was real, this was ‘the one’. He was, well is, the most amazing person I’ve ever met, he’s so caring and loving. He makes me so happy, he gives me butterflies and makes me feel all warm inside. He makes me forget all of my problems and gives me really high hopes for the future. He makes me feel good about myself which is something I’ve never had before. He made my anxiety better, I actually left the house which is a huge step for me. He got on with my daughter, he made us laugh, everything about him was amazing. And now he’s gone.

How do you get over that? How do you go from being so happy that you could float to suddenly being on your own and miserable in the next breath. I don’t really understand why he left, he just kept saying he ‘wasn’t ready’ but that doesn’t feel real, that just seems like a cliché thing to say. I’m hurting so much and I just can’t seem to get over it. Like I said in the beginning a lot of other things have happened this week and I think some of that affected him too, he seemed upset at first. He wasn’t posting anything, he was really quiet,  he seemed very reserved. He went to go see a band with his friends a few nights later and I could tell he wasn’t really in the mood but he seems to be getting back to his normal self and I just can’t. I still can’t function. Every time I think about him I just want to cry. He left some shirts here and I can still smell him on them. Every time I walk into my room I can picture him laying in my bed smiling waiting for me, Every car that pulls up outside I think it’s him, every time my phone goes off I think he’s text. I can’t get him out of my head!

I keep telling myself laying around being this absolute mess isn’t going to help anything but I literally have no energy. I’m not going to get him back wallowing in self pity, I need to get up and remind him I’m still the girl he fell in love with. But its so hard.

I’ve always handled break ups amazingly, always took it in my stride. I never let it bother me because I’m independent and I’ve never needed a man, but this time its so different. We had a five year plan, our lives together were planned and now it’s gone

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I really don’t.

Misery really does love company.

I’m lost for words about how I feel. That rarely happens to me…(I say that but I’m pretty sure I’ll find a lot of words to write here)

My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces…again. I don’t understand why. I’m a good person, I try and help people, I’m nice, I do as much for others as I can but still I get shit all over any time something goes my way. These past two years have been so so shit, I’ve been through my best friend dying, an abusive relationship, loosing all of my friends, my baby’s dad leaving me alone and pregnant, thousands of pounds worth of debt, and raising a baby completely alone. I was miserable, but somehow I was still plodding along.

Then Ash came into my life, even before we got together he made me so happy. He reminded me what it was like to actually feel something and even be happy. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in ages. I was swept off my feet and completely in love. Out of the blue today he tells me he doesn’t think we can ‘do this’ anymore. Not even in person may I add… No real explanation, just that. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy. Where am I going wrong? I’m really not sure how much more of this I can take. I don’t want to go back to that miserable person, I can’t do it. I’ve cried all afternoon and I can already feel myself changing back into that ghost I was. I’ve actually begged him to stay with me, how pathetic is that? I think ‘pathetic’ is a new low, even for me. What hurts the most is I feel like now I didn’t mean anything to him, he wouldn’t come and see me to talk and he’s now happy sat on instagram liking photos of models his friends have posted.

Am I ever going to be happy? It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I have no friends, my family rarely bother with me, I’m so alone. Being alone with your thoughts as often as I am can’t be good for anyone…I think half of my problems wouldn’t seem so bad if I actually had someone there, a friend to go for coffee with, get takeaways with, have a rant to when I’ve had a shitty day. It’s true what they say misery really does love company.

I’ll be honest I don’t want this life anymore, I’d happily swap with anyone. I’m completely done, I haven’t left my house since Sunday and in that time I’ve spoke to ash and my Mum, how is that a life for anyone?

If I was a dog I think I’d of been put down by now.

A lifelong battle.

So I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I kept telling myself that I was better and that my demons were gone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life has changed significantly since I last wrote. I’m now in a relationship with the most wonderful man, He has a son so he understands that being a parent will always come first. It’s still only the early stages but I can already feel myself slipping.

We got into a bit of an argument last night, nothing major but we handle arguments very differently. He likes to go off on his own whereas I like to talk and get it over with. It was playing on my mind all night and I’ve woke up this morning feeling exactly like I did a year ago. Anyone that follows me will know that my last relationship was very abusive but in the early days it was just me being made to feel guilty, plans being cancelled and constantly feeling not good enough. The abuse that I went through has completely changed me as a person and I don’t think I will ever get over that now. I was always such a confident person and I never got jealous or anxious. I was the life and soul of the party. These days even the word ‘party’ makes me feel a little sick. I’m struggling with how to work this relationship because I don’t even really know how to work myself. My abusive relationship ended in the beginning of August last year, so this is all still pretty fresh. I thought I was over it because I was happy for a few weeks but realistically I’m not. I still don’t want to leave the house, I still constantly worry how I look and what my weight is like. Drunk people make me want to run away and every time someone suddenly moves I flinch and my heart sinks.

I feel guilty putting all of these problems and issues onto my new relationship, its not fair for him to be constantly dealing with my breakdowns and acting a little psycho. We have only just met, he never knew me before or during the abuse. I don’t think he really understands how much its affected my mental state, and that’s fine because you can’t understand these things unless you have been through them. I think sometimes though he thinks I’m just being snappy or grumpy when in reality its probably something that got said in passing hours ago that’s still eating away at me. I don’t want to leave him, not at all. He makes me so happy and to be honest he’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I’m just worried that I’m being selfish and he’s going to leave me. I have no idea how I would even begin to cope with that.

I’m under a lot of stress at the moment, I have assignments and deadlines that I’m drowning in, A teething one year old who is also going through sleep regression, bills stacking up, new relationship stresses and then all the other drama I throw at myself every day, it’s starting to become a bit much. Years ago I could deal with this so easy, I took everything in my stride. Nothing bothered me, I could do anything but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

This leads me onto my point. I have been through something awful, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Its something that is part of me now, something that has scared me.I will never be the person that I once was and I now need to focus on being the person that I am now. Not the person I was or during that awful relationship. It’s okay to be different and it’s okay to struggle. I need to have more confidence in myself and tell myself I can do it. Just believing in yourself can do wonders. I heard a quote the other day that I really liked and it fits nicely with this.

“Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will fall amongst the stars.”

The ranting return.

I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I’ve been completely snowed under with assignments, bugs, first birthdays, and of course Christmas! Today however I’m really having one of them ‘feel sorry for me’ kind of days and this is my most favourite place to be honest and let it all out. So I’ve pushed the looming deadlines to the back of my mind for a bit to have a good whine.

So to start off, I’m really REALLY mad at some of my ‘mum friends’. I’m not really one for surrounding myself around people with kids and socialising with other parents because I just don’t get on with them! I got pulled into a little group of four that I didn’t really mind. One of them is a bit dim and has had a really hard time, another had a baby with someone I don’t like and he left her alone with the baby so we got on great having a bitch about him and then the last one is literally the worst, most annoying person I have ever met in my life. I’m not really one for ‘i hate’ but I actually do hate this girl. So it was one of the baby’s birthdays and she was having a small little tea party at her house, we went to be polite even though I couldn’t think of anything worse. I had to leave early because it started at 4 and I had a business lecture at 5. My dad very kindly offered to come and pick me and my little one up but he got lost. I asked my other ‘mum friends’ if they would keep an eye on arabella for two minutes whilst i went outside to see if i could see my dad (it’s December, i didn’t really want to take her out in the cold if he wasn’t there) I got outside and I could see him down the road but it was a one way street so i ran down and explained to him how to get round and in the right way (not really relevant but I was out of the house about 5 minutes) I go back into the house and arabella is screaming and a stranger has hold of her so obviously I panicked! She gave her back to me and explained how my ‘mum friends’ weren’t watching her and the one I don’t like knocked her off the chair she was sat on and she hit her head. They all then just stood there and watched her cry. Not a single one of them picked her up to comfort her. A woman that neither me or arabella had ever met before had to make sure she was okay. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been so mad in my life. I’d love to know peoples opinions on this because I’m not sure If I’m being a tad over the top.

So after all of that I haven’t spoke to any of them since. I think they have got the hint I’m mad about it because they’re being more annoying than usual on Facebook. Being two faced and basically up each others arseholes. so that is obviously irritating me as well.

 

 

I’m also a little annoyed with my family. Recently they have been no help at all with Arabella. I feel like everyone else has baby sitters at the drop of a hat and their family’s would kill to look after them but my family aren’t like that. I need some time to myself! I haven’t had a break in months! These past few weeks have really pushed me to my absolute breaking point and I’m not sure how much more I can take! I’m so stressed its ridiculous!  I know she is my baby and my responsibility but I’m seriously about to pull my hair out! Like now for example, she’s cried for almost half an hour for no reason at all. literally just doing it because she can.

 

If anyone needs me I’ll be face down screaming into a pillow!

A letter to my Ex.

I never ever thought that we would turn into this. I always pictured our happy lives, our loving family and our perfect little home. Not even in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I loved you from the moment I met you, I was obsessed with you and everything about you. I gave you my heart, my home and even my daughter for you to throw it away.

I always thought getting abused didn’t happen to people like me, it would be weak people or people who weren’t as privileged as I was. How wrong was I? How could I have been so naive?  I was convinced you were my prince charming and we would have our fairy tale ending. I kept telling myself that you would stop and that you didn’t mean it. I was sure you would see what you were doing and realise how much you were hurting me, but you didn’t. I believed you when you said you were sorry and you loved me. But how can you do that to someone you love?

I feel like my life has been ruined. Every memory I have of my daughters first year has been ruined by you. I don’t think I will ever be the same again, I don’t think I will ever be able to get over what you did. How am I supposed to move on and find someone else? I thought I could trust you but obviously my judgement was wrong with that one.

I’m a shell of the person I used to be, I still can’t leave the house on my own. I’m still depressed and It’s making me a bad Mum.

I really hope you’re ashamed of what you have done and I hope you never forgive yourself because I know I never will.

Moving on.

I’m having a bad day today and writing about my feelings always seems to help, so here it goes!

I’ve written about my last relationship a few times, sometimes I just briefly complain and other times I’ve gone into detail about the abuse and the real dark times that I’ve been through. Today I was talking to a mutual friend that we have and she told me that he’s moved on, he’s found someone and he’s happy. I’m not upset that he’s with someone I’m upset that he’s happy. He put my through hell for the last year of our relationship and It’s taking me a long time to get over it. I feel like I’m scared and its never going heal. I want to cry and rip my skin off every time I think of the things he done to me. Despite all of that, he’s happy. How is that fair?

He is a monster and he’s never been punished for it while I’m punishing myself every day. I feel like I can’t move on and I don’t trust relationships with anyone anymore, but he gets to be happy.

why…?