A letter to my love.

My dearest Ash, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would end up being as happy as I am right now. You make my life complete, you are the reason I get up every day, You are my motivation to keep going, but most importantly you are the love of my life.

We haven’t always had it easy but we have always overcome it. We have never spoke about the beginning of our relationship when we briefly split up, I think that’s partly out of guilt but mostly because it is still too painful. However, I think now it’s time.

I knew it was coming, you hadn’t told me you loved me for days. You were acting strange, you weren’t really replying to me, you were being quite short and you just didn’t seem yourself. When you told me you were leaving, it was like I could actually feel my heart shatter, I have never ever cried like that before. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I begged and pleaded with you to stay but you wouldn’t. I must have looked so desperate, which I was. I didn’t sleep that night, I laid awake in the bed we once shared, crying, wishing you were there. The next day you changed your relationship status(you get a notification for that now – who knew!). Something so trivial yet it hurt like hell, I felt like I had just stopped crying and that pushed me over the edge, I tried to talk to you about it and you got quite snappy with me which only hurt more. I kept trying to talk to you and you kept ignoring me. My mum came to get my daughter and being in the house alone was too much, I had voices in my head screaming at me, it felt like the walls were closing in, I had to get out. I just picked up my bag and left, I didnt even put a coat on. It was February so it was really cold but I couldn’t feel it. I walked down to the river and sat and cried, so many people walked past me and not one stopped. I have never ever felt so alone.

I walked off the path and under the bridges, I used to party there when I was a teenager so I was hoping the memories would cheer me up but it only made it worse. I seen graffiti of friends that had passed and I sat and talked to them for a while, it felt good to get stuff off my chest. After that, all of the emotions hit me at once. I felt like such a failure,  I felt unloved, unwanted and it all just seemed so pointless. That’s when I made the decision to kill myself. I took a lot of really strong painkillers that were in my bag, I told you I had left something for you(which was my suicide note just in case you didnt get the hint) you were so mad. I realised where I was, was pretty open and I would be found easily, I decided to go home where I could just die in peace. I walked home, my arms were bright red from being so cold, my lips had gone blue and my vision started to blur. I got into my house and it then dawned on me that my mum would now be the person to find me. No matter what state of depression I was in, I couldn’t do that to her. I rang her, she came to me and took me to the hospital.

Fast forward a week and I was back at home under 24/7 supervision. (Apparently years of drug abuse as a teenager gives you a very high tolerance to painkillers). I laid in bed for days, surrounded by your clothes, just crying. The smell of you lingered everywhere, it was like a hug. I didn’t eat for days, when I eventually got up it was to go for a run and nothing else. I kept hoping I would see you but I never did. You seemed to be getting on with your life and I just couldn’t. I felt empty. My mum said that I just sat there, completely lifeless. I didn’t blink, I didn’t speak, she wasn’t even sure I was awake. She told me it looked like my soul had left my body, which is exactly how I felt. My life had completely fallen apart and I had no energy at all to fix it.

I knew there was something else, you kept telling me you just couldn’t do it and I knew that wasn’t true. The day you finally told me the truth about…her (lets face it she doesnt deserve a name). It felt like I had literally been stabbed, but at the same time it felt like a weight had been lifted because I finally knew the truth. And then you said the most painful thing I’ve ever had to hear, “I still love her”. I cried, in fact ‘cry’ doesnt do it justice, I sobbed – for hours. It took me days but I got back out of bed, I left the house after a few more days and then she messaged me. She didn’t know where you were and I just knew something awful had happened. I thought I was going to be sick, my whole body got hot and clammy. It was soon resolved but that was the first time we had spoke in about 2 weeks.

About a week later, I started getting ‘back to normal’. I was still on 24/7 watch but I was becoming more vocal, I started posting things online hoping you would see. Thats when Dan came along. I know we think hes a dick now but at the time he was exactly the friend I needed. He got me out of the house, away from my Mum and actually made me a little less numb. Every day we would speak, he would always check up on me, ask me if i had eaten(I still wasnt eating at all at this stage) he would take me to his and make me really sugary cups of tea and just listen to me talk shit for hours. It was what I needed. This went on for a few weeks but I still felt like I had a hole in my chest, I still wasnt eating and I still felt like I was drowning.

Then I got the message I will never forget.

“hey, I miss you” .

Everything hurt again, we talked for a few days and it felt a little awkward because I didnt know what to say, I just wanted to cry and tell you I loved you. The first night I saw you again was like I could feel my heart piecing itself back together. I have never held you so tight. From that point on things were still a bit shitty but slowly got better until we became the unbreakable team that we are now.

I’ve had a tough life. I’ve had my babys dad walk out on me, a family thats never understood me, no friends, a drug addict boyfriend that almost died, a best friend that actually did die, being raped, being abused. None of that even compares to the pain I felt when I lost you.

I can’t find the words to actually describe that pain but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Months later, we are in the happiest place I’ve ever been and I really want to stay there.

You make me laugh every day, sometimes you don’t even have to do anything. You fill me with so much confidence that I feel like nothing will defeat me. You are an amazing step dad, more amazing than I ever could have wished for. You calm me down when I’m in a mood and you listen to me when I need to rant. You have brought me out off the darkest place I have ever been in. I am so filled with love and pride for you that it feels like I might actually float. I have never felt love like this before and I know that I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. I love waking up to you every morning and falling asleep in your arms every night. You are without a doubt the missing piece of our family.

I love you and I can’t wait to marry you.