Getting back to ‘normal’

This past week has probably been the hardest week of my life. I wont go into many details as I don’t think I’m ready to share yet, but it has been awful.

I’m now at day 6 of my breakup. I feel like I’ve been through a horrific ordeal. Like I’ve been involved in a tragic incident or something. I have eaten 2 meals in 6 days, had about 10 hours sleep and have hardly moved. My heart actually hurts, it’s like a physical pain. I’ve been through my baby’s dad leaving me pregnant, an abusive relationship, and a relationship with an addict so I’ve had my fair share of drama but this was real, this was ‘the one’. He was, well is, the most amazing person I’ve ever met, he’s so caring and loving. He makes me so happy, he gives me butterflies and makes me feel all warm inside. He makes me forget all of my problems and gives me really high hopes for the future. He makes me feel good about myself which is something I’ve never had before. He made my anxiety better, I actually left the house which is a huge step for me. He got on with my daughter, he made us laugh, everything about him was amazing. And now he’s gone.

How do you get over that? How do you go from being so happy that you could float to suddenly being on your own and miserable in the next breath. I don’t really understand why he left, he just kept saying he ‘wasn’t ready’ but that doesn’t feel real, that just seems like a cliché thing to say. I’m hurting so much and I just can’t seem to get over it. Like I said in the beginning a lot of other things have happened this week and I think some of that affected him too, he seemed upset at first. He wasn’t posting anything, he was really quiet,  he seemed very reserved. He went to go see a band with his friends a few nights later and I could tell he wasn’t really in the mood but he seems to be getting back to his normal self and I just can’t. I still can’t function. Every time I think about him I just want to cry. He left some shirts here and I can still smell him on them. Every time I walk into my room I can picture him laying in my bed smiling waiting for me, Every car that pulls up outside I think it’s him, every time my phone goes off I think he’s text. I can’t get him out of my head!

I keep telling myself laying around being this absolute mess isn’t going to help anything but I literally have no energy. I’m not going to get him back wallowing in self pity, I need to get up and remind him I’m still the girl he fell in love with. But its so hard.

I’ve always handled break ups amazingly, always took it in my stride. I never let it bother me because I’m independent and I’ve never needed a man, but this time its so different. We had a five year plan, our lives together were planned and now it’s gone

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I really don’t.

Misery really does love company.

I’m lost for words about how I feel. That rarely happens to me…(I say that but I’m pretty sure I’ll find a lot of words to write here)

My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces…again. I don’t understand why. I’m a good person, I try and help people, I’m nice, I do as much for others as I can but still I get shit all over any time something goes my way. These past two years have been so so shit, I’ve been through my best friend dying, an abusive relationship, loosing all of my friends, my baby’s dad leaving me alone and pregnant, thousands of pounds worth of debt, and raising a baby completely alone. I was miserable, but somehow I was still plodding along.

Then Ash came into my life, even before we got together he made me so happy. He reminded me what it was like to actually feel something and even be happy. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in ages. I was swept off my feet and completely in love. Out of the blue today he tells me he doesn’t think we can ‘do this’ anymore. Not even in person may I add… No real explanation, just that. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy. Where am I going wrong? I’m really not sure how much more of this I can take. I don’t want to go back to that miserable person, I can’t do it. I’ve cried all afternoon and I can already feel myself changing back into that ghost I was. I’ve actually begged him to stay with me, how pathetic is that? I think ‘pathetic’ is a new low, even for me. What hurts the most is I feel like now I didn’t mean anything to him, he wouldn’t come and see me to talk and he’s now happy sat on instagram liking photos of models his friends have posted.

Am I ever going to be happy? It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I have no friends, my family rarely bother with me, I’m so alone. Being alone with your thoughts as often as I am can’t be good for anyone…I think half of my problems wouldn’t seem so bad if I actually had someone there, a friend to go for coffee with, get takeaways with, have a rant to when I’ve had a shitty day. It’s true what they say misery really does love company.

I’ll be honest I don’t want this life anymore, I’d happily swap with anyone. I’m completely done, I haven’t left my house since Sunday and in that time I’ve spoke to ash and my Mum, how is that a life for anyone?

If I was a dog I think I’d of been put down by now.

A lifelong battle.

So I haven’t wrote anything for quite a while, I kept telling myself that I was better and that my demons were gone. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My life has changed significantly since I last wrote. I’m now in a relationship with the most wonderful man, He has a son so he understands that being a parent will always come first. It’s still only the early stages but I can already feel myself slipping.

We got into a bit of an argument last night, nothing major but we handle arguments very differently. He likes to go off on his own whereas I like to talk and get it over with. It was playing on my mind all night and I’ve woke up this morning feeling exactly like I did a year ago. Anyone that follows me will know that my last relationship was very abusive but in the early days it was just me being made to feel guilty, plans being cancelled and constantly feeling not good enough. The abuse that I went through has completely changed me as a person and I don’t think I will ever get over that now. I was always such a confident person and I never got jealous or anxious. I was the life and soul of the party. These days even the word ‘party’ makes me feel a little sick. I’m struggling with how to work this relationship because I don’t even really know how to work myself. My abusive relationship ended in the beginning of August last year, so this is all still pretty fresh. I thought I was over it because I was happy for a few weeks but realistically I’m not. I still don’t want to leave the house, I still constantly worry how I look and what my weight is like. Drunk people make me want to run away and every time someone suddenly moves I flinch and my heart sinks.

I feel guilty putting all of these problems and issues onto my new relationship, its not fair for him to be constantly dealing with my breakdowns and acting a little psycho. We have only just met, he never knew me before or during the abuse. I don’t think he really understands how much its affected my mental state, and that’s fine because you can’t understand these things unless you have been through them. I think sometimes though he thinks I’m just being snappy or grumpy when in reality its probably something that got said in passing hours ago that’s still eating away at me. I don’t want to leave him, not at all. He makes me so happy and to be honest he’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. I’m just worried that I’m being selfish and he’s going to leave me. I have no idea how I would even begin to cope with that.

I’m under a lot of stress at the moment, I have assignments and deadlines that I’m drowning in, A teething one year old who is also going through sleep regression, bills stacking up, new relationship stresses and then all the other drama I throw at myself every day, it’s starting to become a bit much. Years ago I could deal with this so easy, I took everything in my stride. Nothing bothered me, I could do anything but now I feel like I’m suffocating.

This leads me onto my point. I have been through something awful, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Its something that is part of me now, something that has scared me.I will never be the person that I once was and I now need to focus on being the person that I am now. Not the person I was or during that awful relationship. It’s okay to be different and it’s okay to struggle. I need to have more confidence in myself and tell myself I can do it. Just believing in yourself can do wonders. I heard a quote the other day that I really liked and it fits nicely with this.

“Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will fall amongst the stars.”