I feel like I’ve always had a lot of guilt when thinking about my parenting ‘journey’ (I really hate that term but it fits nicely with my point) because it hasn’t gone how I imagined it, but has anyone’s?
I always wanted to be a Mum, ever since I was little It was something I never even doubted myself on. When teachers would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up ‘a mum’ was always my answer. I always pictured a fairy tale life where I would meet my prince charming, we would get married and have babies and I would be the perfect stay at home mum that would bake the best cookies and have a perfect home. The older I got the more I realised that rarely happens.
I feel guilty on a daily basis because of the things that I didn’t/don’t do. After the day I had yesterday I spent a lot of the night reflecting on my time as a mum and I’ve realised I’m being pretty hard on myself. I think even the super mums have days when they struggle, but I always seem to let these days get me down more than I should and then I start on a spiral of self pity thinking ‘maybe I’m not giving her enough attention, maybe I shouldn’t be feeding her jars, maybe I shouldn’t of gave up so easily on breastfeeding’, you know typical mum stuff! I think my biggest guilt has and always will be that she doesn’t have someone there to fill in the dad role.
The more I look at this amazing little person that I created the more I’ve realised, she doesn’t care. She’s happy as Larry playing with her toys whilst I take five minutes to myself to check Facebook and She’s always fed and surely that’s better than nothing!
When it comes to having a Dad, I know at the minute she loves me unconditionally and she’s not missing what she’s never had but one day it probably will be something that causes a bit of friction in our house but I’m going to enjoy these years just the two of us because they wont last forever! I just want to sit and study her face all day because tomorrow it will have changed a little bit more. I’ve got to stop spending to much time worrying what others are thinking and saying and spend more time enjoying the love we have for each other.
There has been a lot of arguments and stress and of course ‘mum drama’ since I fell pregnant with her but I can honestly say it was all worth it. If I could go back in time and stop myself from falling pregnant and stay with her dad, be able to just put my shoes on and go to the shop instead of packing a bag and fighting for 20 minutes, go wherever I wanted without coming home for bed time, having plans with friends to go for a drink on a week day, I really wouldn’t. I may of lost friends as everyone does when they have a baby and It may not all be about me now (I like to think of myself as a bit of a princess and like to be the centre of attention at any opportunity) and my life may have taken a massive detour from where I thought I would be but IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. She’s worth it.
This is a little note to myself and to all the other parents that read this when they’re having a bad day or just feel a little shitty. You’re doing an amazing job! stop being so hard on yourself and go enjoy your child because soon they will be teenagers and hate you for no reason.