Night time blues.

I always find it much easier to distract myself during the day but when it comes to the night and I’m alone I always find myself getting down. Its world mental health day today so there has been a lot of Facebook posts about how to make yourself feel better and how you should always seek help. I don’t know about anyone else but these posts make me feel worse! I sit wallowing in self pity thinking ‘I don’t have anyone to seek help from!’ My problems always seem so trivial and those that do listen soon get sick of me saying the same things!

I hate feeling like this. It makes me feel like I’m not normal. People ask what’s wrong and I can never quite put my finger on what it is. It seems like the words don’t exist to describe it. I cry all the time, I’m so negative about everything, I get anxiety attacks and I convince myself I hate my life. I obviously don’t and I always realise that but at the time I just think I’m stuck in a rut and it’s never going to get any better.

I think some of my problem is that I’m so lonely, people always say to me ‘you’re not alone you have the baby’ but its not the same, she’s not going to share a glass of wine with me and listen to me complain about my bullshit days, she’s not going to tell me everything is going to be okay and she’s not going to go out at 3am and buy me chocolate to stop me crying (yes that actually happened once).

I have so much in life to be grateful for and I make myself so mad that I let the little things get me down! I have a gorgeous home, yes it might be messy all the time but its still warm and dry. I have a beautiful baby girl that loves me unconditionally and I have my good old friend prosecco there when I need it.

I feel like I’ve battled with mental health problems most of my life. There are times when I’m completely fine and I’ll be my normal happy self for months and then there’s the phase where I don’t leave the house and loose myself a little bit. I’m no expert but over the years I’ve found some things that help me and everyone is different but these might be worth a shot!

  • I like to walk away from things when I’m getting stressed or upset, sometimes I have to count to 100 but I always feel a little bit better afterwards
  • If there is a specific person that’s upset me I like to write a letter, I get all of my feelings out and half the time it doesn’t even make sense but when I’m done I feel like a weight has been lifted. Then I just throw it away.
  • I try and distract myself as best as I can, I’ll watch the TV or I might even start cleaning (rare, but it helps some people) If my mind is occupied on my meaningless task I almost forget what I’m upset about. I would advise not to do anything important though because if you make a mess or do something wrong that could set you back!
  • Taking time out for myself is something I’ve only recently started doing, but having a bath in peace or going for a walk on my own (I know it makes no sense that I complain I’m alone and then being on my own makes me feel better, there is method in my madness somewhere) really helps me calm down
  • I think a big one is getting out of the house, I stay in a lot and I almost turn my home into a cave of pity! It doesn’t matter where you go but a change of scenery always helps me!
  • more than anything, I like to sit and watch my little girl. Nothing on this earth can make me smile like she does.

Since becoming a Mum I’ve met so many people that are going through the same sort of things, I have to tell myself this a lot but you’re not alone! Someone loves you, Someone cares about you and there is someone that would be heartbroken if something happened to you. It might not always feel like it but it’s the truth.

A very close friend of mine died around 18 months ago and he always used to say to me that he was alone and no one cared about him and despite everyone telling him that they loved him and they did care for him he never believed it. He died of an accidental overdose and the day of his funeral there was so many people that came to say goodbye, so many people that were left with a hole in their heart without him, it was overwhelming. I wish he knew the impact he had on people. This made me realise, you affect people every day, you might not even realise but you will have made a difference to someone and chances are they wont forget it!

I’m not really sure what my point is with this post but it’s made me feel better getting it all out and I hope that this could help at least one person. My most favourite thing that always brings me out of my depressive state is something I came across on twitter one day. Its the semi colon. it is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.

 

; YOUR STORY ISN’T OVER YET.

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