Before I start with this mornings major rant, I just want to say a massive thank you to my new followers and people who have liked and commented on my previous posts, It means a lot to know that I’m not alone and It makes me feel a little more sane, so Thank you!
Today, Sunday 9th October 2016, Is the day my best friend christenings his son. Why would you be dreading this you might ask? Well this will be the first time I’ve seen my Daughters Dad since I was around 12 weeks pregnant. Just to rub a little more salt in the wound, his girlfriend will also be there.
I’m not expecting him to talk to me or even make eye contact but I still don’t know how I’m going to react to seeing him. I feel like once you have a baby with someone your feelings for them automatically change, you can’t help but love them because they gave you this amazing little human.
Am I going to feel that love for him when I see him? Will I get mad? Will it just be lust (her dad is a straight up 10, I have no idea why he was sleeping with me so long)?. When he made it clear he was leaving and it finally sunk in that I would be a single mum I obviously never knew how hard it would be but the last thing I ever thought about was how difficult it would be having to see him again. I think part of me will always love him and always hate him. When people say there’s a fine line, they really mean FINE. I feel a little sick just thinking about it. I think my worry comes from the idea of him being in the same room as his daughter and not even looking at her, I have a feeling this will annoy me. I don’t understand how anyone can leave their children, How can you not want to know them!? It’s not just dads either, I know women who don’t see their children, I gave birth to the devil and I want to scream into a pillow most days but I could never give her up! My friend Adam(the baby that’s getting christened dad) has been great, he’s best friends with us both and he just always seems to know the right thing to say to me so I think he will be looking out for me a little bit today because I literally know one other person going today. I’m definitely having one of those ‘bang your head off a wall’ kinda days and its only 8:15. I’ll let you all know how it goes, Wish me luck!