Moving on.

I’m having a bad day today and writing about my feelings always seems to help, so here it goes!

I’ve written about my last relationship a few times, sometimes I just briefly complain and other times I’ve gone into detail about the abuse and the real dark times that I’ve been through. Today I was talking to a mutual friend that we have and she told me that he’s moved on, he’s found someone and he’s happy. I’m not upset that he’s with someone I’m upset that he’s happy. He put my through hell for the last year of our relationship and It’s taking me a long time to get over it. I feel like I’m scared and its never going heal. I want to cry and rip my skin off every time I think of the things he done to me. Despite all of that, he’s happy. How is that fair?

He is a monster and he’s never been punished for it while I’m punishing myself every day. I feel like I can’t move on and I don’t trust relationships with anyone anymore, but he gets to be happy.

why…?

Single mum.

So recently I decided to try the world of dating websites. I’m not overly impressed to be completely honest but I’ve had a few interests, one in particular though got me thinking and has made me a bit sad.

After exchanging a few messages he said ‘didn’t realise you had a kid sorry’. What is that all about?! why is having a child seen as a bad thing all of a sudden? I’ll be the first to admit I changed massively when I found out I was pregnant, but in a good way.

Having a baby doesn’t mean I’m ‘damaged goods’, it also doesn’t mean I’ve got a complicated life. It means that I’m responsible and I’m not selfish. Yes I can’t go on wild nights out every week but it means I have life goals, I’ve got something there to succeed for. I’m a good person that just got unlucky in love.

It means i dated someone that wasn’t very nice but I got my amazing daughter out of it, She makes me smile everyday and she would do the same for others. I’m not asking someone to come into her life and become a dad overnight. I’m just asking for someone to see me for the person I am, and that’s a Mum and a dam good one at that.

Unhappy birthday.

So I’ve been pretty quiet over the past few days as it was my birthday yesterday, I had a lovely quiet day just me and my little girl at home with cake. I of course received loads of birthday posts on Facebook, I got cards and presents and overall had a really great day.

However, I’ve woke up this morning in a bit of a strange mood. I’m now fixated on the people that couldn’t take thirty seconds out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. I’m really annoyed at them to be honest. These are people I care about that I assumed still cared about me. People that I’ve known for years….

I’ll give you an example, I’ve known this girl, we’ll call her Amy, for years. She’s had two kids in that time and I’ve always made the effort to stick to plans and go to her kids christenings and buy them gifts stuff like that. She was ‘friends’ with my EX and when we spilt up she took it upon herself to voice her unwanted opinion. Amy is a bit of a loud mouth and has an opinion about everything. I think she’s rude. I don’t really like her that much but we’ve always got on just fine. This year she didn’t wish me a happy birthday because she thinks I’m in the wrong over my breakup. She doesn’t have a clue, she has no idea at all what went on behind closed doors and now she’s sat at home judging me about a situation that she doesn’t understand. There was loads more people like this that didn’t say anything to me yesterday because of things that have happened in the past that they can’t seem to let go of.

I love to hold a grudge but only on things that have affected me directly and I know that’s a little immature but it’s just my personality. What I don’t understand is people that hold grudges about things that have nothing at all to do with them! I just want to scream at Amy and say ‘YOU HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE WHAT HE PUT ME THROUGH’. I constantly feel like I have to explain myself to people like this and their small mindedness ends up getting me down!

I’m really annoyed at myself for being so annoyed at them!

Is there any other feeling besides fed up?

I’m feeling very deflated today. It’s been one of them stressy days where the baby has just winged and moaned, the house is really messy and I went out with my family for my birthday meal. Don’t get me wrong I understand that obviously the baby comes first and I can’t be centre of attention anymore and I’m okay with that! The only thing I want is my birthday to be about me. Half of my family didn’t come and the ones that were there didn’t even really speak to me because I was stuck in the corner with the baby because there wasn’t enough room for the highchair. I am not at all blaming the baby, I’m mad at them, they could of moved further down the table but didn’t. After the meal everyone said we would go to the pub for a few drinks, I took the baby back to my mams, got her pyjamas on, got her to sleep in the travel cot and left her with my sister.

I never get invited anywhere since I’ve had the baby so I was quite excited when my cousins asked me to join them on a proper night out in town. My Mum however wouldn’t have the baby over night so I couldn’t. My mum doesn’t drink at all so It wasn’t like she had already had to much, the baby was already asleep at her house so she wouldn’t of had to do anything until the morning. The baby never ever wakes up in the night and I would of been round first thing, I never ask her to look after her overnight, my Mum even finished work early today. I feel like it was a bit unfair that she wouldn’t look after her for me. Might sound childish but I don’t care!

After one drink I had to call it a night obviously, I went back to my mums and had to get the baby out of her travel cot, into her coat, in her pram and walk her home at nine oclock, 2 hours after her bedtime, she of course woke up and had a screaming fit. I’m now at home and she’s gone back to sleep and I’m alone again. This is the first birthday I’ve had since I was about 12 where I was single and I’m not coping well. I just want someone to complain to, someone to curl up on the sofa with to watch a movie and forget why I’m annoyed. I just don’t wanna be alone.

 

Old lovers.

I have been really nostalgic the last few days, I think it’s because I’ve spent quite a bit of time with some of my old friends. It’s making me feel good getting out of the house and obviously these guys mean the world to me but it’s really strange seeing them and my baby’s dad not to be there.

we were all in the same friendship group and we spent all our free time together, we all seemed to spilt off and had kids and got new jobs but we have all come back together recently. It’s making me miss him a lot. He really did mean a lot to me and When we’re all talking about old times and he’s getting mentioned it makes my whole body hurt. It’s like an actual physical pain.

Will this ever go away? Our daughter is 10 months old now and I haven’t spoke to him since I was about 12 weeks pregnant but he still means everything to me. I just so desperately want to move on and forget about him so this pain will go away. I know he’s never coming back yet I still have such strong feelings for him and I don’t want them anymore!!

Past relationships.

So I’ve just got home from a maths lecture and we’ve all been sat talking about relationships all night. As I’ve sat and thought about all of mine I’ve realised just how bad they’ve been. I’ve always been really open about my relationship with my baby’s dad but the relationship I had after that is one then I’ve never spoke about because It’s such a touchy subject but I feel like I’m ready to talk about it.

I met Andrew in the summer of 2013. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance and after knowing each other two months and being together for one month we decided to move in together. It was the first time I had ever lived away from home so obviously it was a massive step for me. We were really happy at first, obviously we were still in that honeymoon period and just wanted to see each other all the time. My parents were always really strict so I could never have friends over or have a party or anything while I lived at home, so obviously I enjoyed my first bit of freedom as any teenager would and had parties all the time. I loved this at first but It soon became very boring. Andrew was constantly in and out of work so we struggled for money a lot of the time, despite being in debt we would still have people over on the weekend and Andrew would spend every penny we had. He would literally leave us with nothing so I would have to borrow money off my Mum and Dad every week. I hated doing this because I’ve always been an independent person so this started to cause friction. I got a job working as a supply teaching assistant in a nursery and I started bringing in a reasonable amount of money, which of course Andrew would spend. After arguing for about three weeks non stop he got a job working on a oil rig doing repairs when it was in the docks. We now both had good jobs and were earning good money. We still however had nothing every Monday morning. Andrew decided to quit his job and become self employed. He had no idea what he was doing and the business he tried to set up with a friend completely failed. I took a second job working in a nightclub to try and keep us above water. I was now working 8:00am till 3:30pm every week day at the school and I would work 9:00pm till 4am monday, wednesday and sunday and then 9pm till 5am on a friday and saturday. As you can imagine I was exhausted all of the time. I did this non stop without a day off for months. I came home one night after working all day and night to find that Andrew had been out drinking all night, spent all our money and had cheated on me. He arranged to meet a girl he used to work with, bought her drinks all night with my wages and then took her back to my home and slept with her. After this we broke up.

We weren’t together for just short of a year. During this time I had met my babies dad, got pregnant and was around six months pregnant before I seen him again. When I did see him he looked and acted so different. He told me about how his life had changed and he wasn’t partying anymore and he had really settled down. Me being the mug that I am believed him and we got back together. He told me he would raise my baby with me and we would be the loving happy family we were meant to be. He moved in with me and my parents until the baby was about a month old. Every big moment in my pregnancy and after she was born he managed to ruin. He started drinking heavily in the month that she was born but he kept using the excuse ‘its Christmas and we’re celebrating’.After we moved into our own house again the problems started. I really started to resent him and I had no real affection towards him, we were never intimate, we argued all the time and to be completely honest he never really bothered with the baby. He got a job working with one of his friends and he was working 6 days a week. Towards the end of our relationship he would finish work and go to the pub every single night. He would stay there until it closed and then come home drunk. I would wait up for him and we would argue. This was my life for about four months.

There was a couple of times when he came home and he was violent. He once put his phone between his knuckles and punched me in the head. It hurt like hell for about a week. I would ring my dad crying on a night asking him to come round and help me get Andrew to bed. My Dad is an amazing person and I know he would literally do anything for me, I had to be so careful to make sure he didn’t see the violence. I was embarrassed, I didn’t want people to think I was failing and I knew that I wouldn’t leave him so if they knew what was going on it would just make things really awkward.

The violence, the drinking, the arguing I could easily put up with. I obviously never wanted to but I kept telling myself that I would never find anyone else and I didn’t want to be alone. It was once the sexual abuse started that I completely broke down. I never wanted to be intimate with him because I hated him so much, I would say It never felt right after having the baby and it hurt but he didn’t care. He would force me to have sex all the time. I would lay there silently crying just wishing I would die. I wouldn’t move an inch, I felt disgusting. I just wanted to rip all of my skin from my body and burn it. I hated my life so very much. He would say to me ‘I hate you, you make me feel like I’m raping you’ I think this was to try and convince himself that it was okay to be doing it. This wouldn’t happen every night. Some nights he would force me to do other things and would shout at me and grab my arms to make me do whatever he wanted me to.

This made my depression worse than it’s ever been. I had the most beautiful baby girl and all I could think about was suicide. Having her there was literally the only thing stopping me. The days felt like weeks and the weeks like months. I didn’t leave the house for almost five months because my anxiety was so bad. I was being a terrible mum and all the life just felt like it had been drained out of me. I started taking anti depressants and my GP sent me to a councillor. It was talking to her that made me realise that I had become a shell of the person I was and I didn’t like it. I knew I had the ability to change things and then one day I did. I had received a text from a mutual friend saying Andrew had been cheating on me and I used this as my escape route. I asked a friend to come over to supervise me and make sure he didn’t talk me out of it. He left and within a few hours I’d packed all of this things and got my dad to take it all to his parents house. I haven’t seen him since.

The things that I have been through this year are horrendous, but I’ve come through the other side fighting. I have never been more determined to make a good life for myself and of course my beautiful daughter. In the short time we have been alone things have dramatically changed and everyone around me has commented on it.

Andrew was a monster and I let him take over my life but I can now see that it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t deserve it and I didn’t have to put up with it. I can’t stress enough how important it is, if anyone at all is going through this to take that first step by admitting these things to yourself. Tell someone what is going on and be strong!

I now feel like I could get through anything that life throws at me. I have come a long way and I’m going to keep going up!

A good old rant.

So I’m at a business school and do night classes as I don’t want to miss important time with the baby, My class starts at 6 so I only miss an hour with her before she goes to bed. While I’m there my Mum looks after her and puts her to bed.  Obviously I’m really grateful that she does this as I know many people don’t have that support. I came home tonight to see that she’s been snooping through my laptop and read a blog post that I was in the middle of writing about my Baby’s dad.

I’m so angry that she would do this, I’m not an open person and me and my Mum don’t have one of them relationships were we talk about things like that. That’s why I write my blog, to get all of my feelings out instead of bottling them up. She hasn’t said anything about it to me yet but I know she will eventually. Am I allowed to be mad because she is doing me a massive favour every week?

I really don’t feel comfortable talking to her about my life as It always ends up in us arguing! She’s so old fashioned and doesn’t understand the way the world works these days. She met my dad at 17, married him at 18 and had my sister at 19. She’s been married to him for 32 years now, she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t smoke, she just doesn’t understand. She has no idea how it feels to love someone and to loose them, she doesn’t know what it’s like to have a baby with someone and for that person to say he doesn’t want to know. When she tries to talk to me about it I just get so mad because she doesn’t have a clue what it’s like!

I honestly can’t stress how annoyed I am that she would invade my privacy. If she’s going through my laptop what else is she doing? I’m now doubting her, I don’t want her going through my things. There’s obviously things I don’t want my mother to see! I am dreading seeing her tomorrow because we have a lot of things to do and I already can’t be bothered with it all!